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Totals and Results: An Important Caution

DOUBLE-CHECK YOUR ANSWERS:

COMPARE #1 WITH #4 (FOUR)

#2 WITH #3 (THREE)

#5 WITH #6

#7 WITH #8

#9 WITH #10

If there is usually a difference of more than 5 points between the first number and the second number in these sets, you do not need to read the rest of this page.

Just click here to go on: Totals And Results ----->

If the first number and the second number are usually closer than 5 points, you might want to start over (or at least "proceed with caution"). This scoring pattern indicates that there is not much of a difference in your relationship between the times when YOU want something and the times when THE OTHER PERSON wants the same things.

This is NOT the way most real relationships usually go!

A MINOR PROBLEM OR A SERIOUS ONE?

ASK YOURSELF:
Did I take these questions VERY seriously as I answered them or did I just try to "breeze through them"?

THE MINOR PROBLEM

These scores might only indicate that you were "breezing through" the relationship analysis today and you just didn't feel like doing all of the hard work of imagining the differences between you and your partner. In other words, maybe you didn't really think through your answers well enough today.

This is a very minor problem. Either "proceed with caution" (below) or come back another day when you feel more like doing the harder thinking that is needed here.

THE SERIOUS PROBLEM

These scores might also indicate a problem which is very common and has very serious consequences for your relationship.

It may actually be that you CAN'T tell the difference between yourself and the other person well enough to be successful in a complex adult relationship!

BUT PLEASE DO NOT ASSUME THAT YOU HAVE THIS PROBLEM!

Just do the analysis over again very soon to see if you CAN notice all the differences between you and your partner when you try!

MOST of the time, people find that the CAN notice these differences, they just don't WANT to do all of the hard thinking that is required - not just for this analysis, but in the relationship itself!

IF YOU MIGHT HAVE THE SERIOUS PROBLEM I STRONGLY SUGGEST:

REDO THIS ANALYSIS VERY SOON.

If the scores come out quite differently than the first time: You've learned a very valuable lesson we all have to learn at some point in our lives. You've learned that your relationships can only be good if you are willing to think about the other person's wants and needs!

If the scores STILL come out to be "nearly identical": DISCUSS THESE RESULTS WITH YOUR PARTNER.

If your partner AGREES with your answers, you are just one of the very few couples who are almost identical in a lot of ways! (Forget all this stuff about you having some big problem!)

If your partner DISAGREES with your answers:
1) Read the article on Boundaries. Also see: Other Ways To Learn And Change and any of the topic lists.
2) Consider going to therapy (not for your relationship, but for you). I'd especially suggest therapy if you also have intense feelings of sadness related to loneliness, or if you sometimes fear that you might "lose yourself" if you get "too close."

<----- Start Over

Proceed With Caution ----->
IF YOU CHOOSE THIS OPTION:

These are the results which are most likely to be WRONG:
1) "Who gets what they want the most from this relationship," and,
2) "The best way to communicate for problem-solving."

These are the results which are still likely to be RIGHT:
1) Greatest strength, and,
2) Greatest weakness.

"The moment of greatest stress" may be right, but "what to do about it" will be wrong.