SELF-Therapy: R.A. - Your Best Method For Solving Problems

You already know a lot about the unique way your relationship works. You know:

WHO GETS WHAT THEY WANT THE MOST
THE GREATEST STRENGTH
THE GREATEST WEAKNESS
THE MOMENT OF GREATEST STRESS.

Now you will be actually be learning how to CAPITALIZE on all of this
every time you need to solve a problem together!

YOUR BEST METHOD FOR SOLVING PROBLEMS:

1) START the discussion by using the STRENGTH of your relationship: "WHEN YOU ARE THINKING CLEARLY TOGETHER."

2) STAY in this mode until you both understand WHAT the problem is and HOW STRONGLY YOU EACH FEEL about it.

3) Move into your THINKING TOGETHER mode and stay there until you come up with a PLAN.

4) PUT THE PLAN TO WORK.

5) CELEBRATE SUCCESS!

WE WILL BE USING THIS EXAMPLE

A couple is trying to solve a disagreement about whether to have a third child. You are the person who doesn't want a third child. Your partner is the person who does.

STEP #1: START the discussion by using the STRENGTH of your relationship. The STRENGTH of your relationship is: WHEN YOU ARE THINKING CLEARLY TOGETHER.

This is called the PROBLEM SOLVING style of communication. IN THIS STYLE OF COMMUNICATING, YOUR SUBJECT IS: "WHAT YOU CAN BOTH FIGURE OUT (about the issue)."

You might start the discussion by saying something like this: "It seems unsolvable right now. You can't compromise on a thing like this. You can't have 'half a child.' It's got to go one way or the other. Is that how you see it?"

STEP #2: STAY in this PROBLEM SOLVING MODE until both of you understand:

1) That you disagree about the third child.

2) How strongly each of you feels about this.

3) How difficult the problem seems to both of you.

STEP #3: Then stay in your THINKING TOGETHER mode and STAY there UNTIL YOU COME UP WITH A PLAN.

NOTE: Couples whose strength is in another aspect of the relationship will just be moving into" the problem solving mode" at this point. Since your strength is in this area, you will be staying in this mode - but you are now setting the higher goal of "coming up with a plan."

CRITERIA FOR A SUCCESSFUL PLAN:

1) If at all possible, AVOID COMPROMISING. When we compromise we are both agreeing to something we really don't want. We are basically setting the goal of being mutually and equally frustrated! Compromises should be sought only as a last resort!

2) In ALL problem-solving, YOUR GOAL SHOULD BE: "HOW CAN WE BOTH GET WHAT WE WANT?' IN GOOD RELATIONSHIPS YOUR GOAL SHOULD NEVER BE TO "WIN" OR EVEN TO "AVOID LOSING." (Learn more about competitive vs. cooperative relationships in other articles in this series.)

3) Be careful about getting into CHILDLIKE THINKING. In a child's world things always come down to yes or no, big or small, good or bad, etc. In complex human relationships, problems may seem initially to come down to JUST TWO CHOICES, but (after steps one and two) they almost never need to stay that way.

In our example, for instance, it initially APPEARS that it's either "have another child or don't." But after your thorough discussion (steps #1 and #2) you and your partner might discover things that hint at MANY DIFFERENT CHOICES.

Some Examples:

Maybe you really don't mind having a third child around but you are worried about what it will do to your finances.
Maybe your partner really doesn't want the third child very much, they were just hoping it would help the two of you to get along better.
Maybe you aren't really excited about having a third child but you realize that you weren't really excited about the other children either until they were born!
Maybe your partner wants a third child, but in the discussion you discover that they only want it "a little" (and you want NOT to have a third child "a lot").
Maybe your partner's main reason for wanting another child is that they love taking care of small children.
Maybe your main reason for not wanting another child is that you've been feeling ignored and you need more attention from your partner.

About Noticing Feelings:
All of these examples show that your new plan must take into account the FEELINGS (the "EMOTIONAL REASONS") of both partners. This is the key to this kind of problem-solving.

It isn't enough to simply know WHAT you and your partner are feeling (i.e.-"sad" or "angry"), you will also need some measure of how strongly each of you feel about the issue. This comes out in words and in direct expressions of emotion (crying, raised voices, etc.)

About Identifying A New Problem:
Maybe by just identifying the new problem in this "thinking together mode" you will find a quick, easy solution!
If the solution is not so easy, you will need to move back into the "greatest strength" mode to start over. (The new problem is usually much easier to solve!)

4) PUTTING THE PLAN TO WORK.

A PLAN IS ONLY A PLAN, IT IS NOT A SOLUTION.

Your plan becomes a solution after you put it into action, give it plenty of time, experiment with it, make necessary changes, and when both of you agree that it has worked!

Some Cautions:
While you are implementing your plan you might find that one of you is holding back, stalling, or just not approaching it whole-heartedly. For a little while this might be expected, but if this continues it is a sign of resentment. This person's feelings have not been taken into account enough in your plan. (They may have ignored their own feelings to try to please, or their partner might have insisted too strongly on their own plan.)

Don't assume the plan has worked just because YOU feel good about it. Ask your partner how they feel about it occasionally. On a problem like the one in our example, ask them how they feel every month or two after implementing the plan. (Asking more often might be taken as nagging or badgering.)

5) CELEBRATE YOUR SUCCESS!

At some point you might both decide: "IT'S OFFICIAL! OUR PLAN WORKED!"

ALWAYS HAVE A HUGE CELEBRATION WHEN YOU HAVE SOLVED A MAJOR PROBLEM IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP! It's fun, and the celebration will stick in your mind to give you an added boost when the next "unsolvable" problem comes along!

Almost Done! - Go to "Summary and Options" --->