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Q's & A's

A THERAPY IMPASSE

Q: I am at present in therapy for child abuse ... I have hit an impasse with my therapist and just can not get past it ... It is frustrating me as to why the one thing that has been running throughout my whole life is the one thing I can not talk about.

Any ideas as to moving forward would be appreciated.

A: Impasses happen in therapy all the time. They happen because you need the time together to gather courage, build trust, or both. This is particularly true when it comes to childhood abuse.

Gathering Courage: When dealing with abuse, we need to trust that, as an adult, we are strong enough to overcome both the abusers and the memories of the abuse. Even if the abusers are no longer around, we need to feel capable of defending ourselves against such people in the very unlikely event that we'd ever meet that kind of danger again. And we also need to know that we can handle both actually having the memories, and the process of telling the therapist about them in enough detail for the therapist to be able to help us.

Building Trust - Trust is always a matter of degree. So even if you trust your therapist plenty to help you deal with most things, you still might not trust them enough yet to deal with these things. Learning whether you can trust the therapist more means sharing more time with them during the impasse.

Some "bottom lines":

1) You and the therapist are a team, and this team needs to feel strong enough to handle the abuse.

2) It takes time, during the impasses, for you to know that you are strong enough, and that you and your therapist are strong enough together.

3) It is possible that you've gone as far as you can possibly go with this particular therapist. But if you feel that you and your therapist are a good match and you eventually will feel strong enough together, stay with your therapist even during the impasse.

Hope this helps!

SHOULD SHE TRUST HIM AGAIN?

Q: Is a lack of trust fixable with time or should I seek therapy? A relationship I was in ended for awhile back in April, but we're back together; only I feel numb as if I'm afraid to love him again. He left unexpectedly and came back very strongly, but I still feel that if I trust him again, he'll betray that trust. How do I get over that?

A: You've got the shoe on the wrong foot!

If he did something that proves he was once untrustable, then it's up to him to show that he is consistently trustable about everything now.

It's not your problem that you mistrust someone after they've proven they aren't trustable. It's his problem to prove that this was a "one time" thing, and that it's not part of his character in general.

Have you read "Who Can You Trust?" at my site? If you haven't, please do read it now. It's at http://HelpYourselfTherapy.com/topics/trust.html

GIRLFRIEND WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED

Q: Hello. I am twenty-one years old and am involved with a twenty year old girl who suffered sexual abuse from her step father when she was a child (from as early as she can remember until the age of eleven or twelve).

I know that it is affecting our intimate relationship as well as relationship as a whole. I want to help her so badly but whenever I try to approach the situation, she tells me to quit bringing the topic up because it only forces her to think about it and causes her pain.

I'm tired of her suppressing her hurt because I know that it is doing her lots of damage. Please Help!

What should I do and how do I approach the situation?

A: First of all I just want to say that what your girlfriend went through was awful and I'm so sorry such horrible things happened to her.

I also want you to know that I admire your desire to help her and your caring for her. And it is also very clear that you will have to respect her boundary regarding bringing these things up. (Everyone gets along better when others respect their boundaries, but anyone who was sexually abused as a child absolutely MUST have strong and clear boundaries that are not violated by the current people in her life.)

There's an excellent book I wish you and your girlfriend would read. It's called "The Courage To Heal." It is going to take a lot of courage on your girlfriend's part to get and benefit from the therapy she needs to overcome her abuse. This book can help her to know she's not alone and give her good ideas about how her healing will go, etc.

The book also has an excellent section for partners of people who have been abused, and that's the part you'll need to focus on. (You could buy a copy, read the parts you want to read, and then give it to her to keep and read if she wants to, now or later. But don't insist on talking with her about the book, of course. That would be the boundary problem.)

Thanks for writing! Feel free to show your girlfriend this letter. (Did she know you were writing to me about this?)

Let me know if I can be of any further help.

MEAN TO HER BOYFRIEND

Q: I love my boyfriend, but I can�t help being mean to him. I treat him the way my mother treats me. I want to be nice.... ....please help!

A: You've said so much in this little note!

Here are some things to think about:

1) How does your boyfriend treat you?
I've met a lot of people who accuse themselves of being mean but don't realize their partner is as bad or even worse! These people think they are supposed to "please" everyone and just "take" mistreatment.

2) How old are you?
Teenage relationships are known to be volatile. Both people feel pretty desperate, and it shows in their intensely good and intensely bad treatment of each other.

3) Do you know it's normal to be like your mother?
We are all a lot like our parents until we learn how to be different. For many years you only had your parents to show you how to treat people. Eventually you learn which of their behaviors work and which don't work. It's great then that you are catching yourself being like your mother, and learning that it just doesn't work. (You don't mention your father. Did your mother also mistreat him? Did he "just take it." Do you expect your boyfriend to be like him?)

4) Is there alcoholism or drug addiction in your family?
It's a common situation that one parent is addicted and the other parent stays with them and verbally abuses them for their addiction. If your mother is addicted, her cruelty may be related to her own addiction. If your father was addicted, she may have used him as sort of a "target" for her anger.
What matters for You is that you need to know if alcohol or drugs change the way you treat your boyfriend... and if you may be taking your anger at your mother (or father) out on your boyfriend.

5) Have you talked to any therapists or counselors about this?
Your letter could indicate either big problems that will be hard to change or small problems that are typical in new relationships. It would be good to talk to a third party outside of your family to help you evaluate how serious these problems are and to help you make your changes.

You are wise to see that you play a part in your problems with your boyfriend.

I'm glad you wrote to me as an important first step in getting help. Thanks for writing!

EX-HUSBAND COMING ON TO HER

Q: My husband left our marriage for another woman 2 years ago, however, lately he has been coming on to me hot and heavy. He is still with her so WHAT'S UP?

A: I sure don't know what's up with him, but I do wonder what's up with you. What difference does it make to you that he's coming on to you lately - especially since he evidently hasn't told you why he's doing it, what's happening with the other woman, whether he regrets leaving you, etc.

He sure doesn't sound like a good bet to me from this short sentence you sent me.

Maybe you need to look at your self-image, to see why someone who did this to you still interests you?

IT MEANS TOO MUCH

Q: What does it mean when dogs are chasing you (trying to attack you) ?

A: What it "means" doesn't matter! When there's real danger, don't waste time thinking. Just protect yourself!

ALCOHOLIC PERSONALITY

Q: "You mention 'the true alcoholic personality.' What is this or where can I find out more about this?

A: I learned about this primarily from a book by Claude Steiner. The book is "Games Alcoholics Play."
Also, I also did a search on the web and found the following site that was interesting: http://www.cleanandsober.com/addiction/personality.html

I guess you've already read Living With an Alcoholic at my site. You might also check out all of the topics in: "I Want To Learn About Addictions" at my site.

DOESN'T TRUST ANYONE

Q: "What do you do when you realize that you are 32 and you don't know one person in your life that you trust? This was a painful realization."

A: What this tells me is that you probably had a childhood in which nobody around you was trustable. Kids know whether to trust each person or not, and you must have had to decide that every important person was untrustable, and this led to the belief that nobody is trustable now.

Some suggestions:

First of all, you might think that "everyone" is untrustable because you live with someone who is untrustable and who hurts you regularly. If you are unsafe in this ongoing, daily way, everyone else may "seem" untrustable only because you feel threatened throughout your life. If this is the case, the rest of my response won't matter until you get away from the scary person you live with.

If your life isn't scary, the next step is to make sure that you are trustable. Do you keep your word about 99.9% of the time...? (If not, you'll need to start by becoming trustable yourself.... If you aren't trustable, you are attracting other untrustable people all of the time, and you are "training" all the trustable people you meet to get away from you...)

If you know that you keep your word almost all of the time, then the following should work for you:

1) Look back to the years since you left your childhood family. Realize that along the way you did meet some people who were trustable. Make a list of these people (on paper would be best), and think about what you've lost in terms of relationships, closeness, and above all from being unable to simply feel safe... Notice how sad you are about this, and how lonely...

2) Then think about the current people in your life, and make a similar list. (Realize that since these people are still in your life you can still get closeness and such from them...)

3) From the current list (#2) decide which of these people would be LEAST significant in your life if you trusted them and they turned out to not be trustable after all.

4) Take the risk of acting like you trust these people when you are with them. (Say a bit more about what you hold to be private... be spontaneous with this person by laughing or showing other emotions that you normally suppress when you are so sure someone isn't trustable...)

5) Do this with one person at a time, until you do find someone who responds genuinely and doesn't in any way take advantage of you.

6) Once you've found one such person, find two, then three.........

7) Expect to have a life in which nobody in your closest circle of friends is untrustable. Read "Who Do You Trust?. I acknowledge here that all of us are untrustable when it comes to those few things about ourselves that we deny and even lie to ourselves about. Nobody is perfect in this regard (including you), so don't use "perfect self-knowledge" as a standard. Use whether people Keep Their Word as your standard.

And, of course, the best way to develop trust is to have a good, safe, close relationship with a competent therapist. This, more than anything else, can get at the family roots of the problem you have. Good therapy can be like being taken care of by someone who is far better at it than your parents were.

I hope this helps! Thanks for an excellent question!

MOTIVATION

Q: I'd like motivational assistance. I plan many things, but often quit soon after I start. I want to know how to do better.

A: Motivation is just raw energy. If you eat, sleep, drink, and take care of other basic bodily needs, you do have plenty of motivation. Sometimes people have a motivation problem because they don't take care of these basic needs well enough.

If you know you take good care of your needs and you still have a motivation problem, you probably just don't like what you are motivated toward! For instance: You might think you should be motivated to go to work each day even though you are treated badly by your employer... but you are actually motivated to get out of there at the end of the day!... Or you might think you should be motivated to take care of your kids by yourself... but you are actually motivated to get help from your partner so you don't have to do it all yourself!

Also, being depressed is a major drain on motivation. Depressed people mentally pick on themselves when they are actually angry at other people or at events in their life which anyone should be angry about. If you think you are depressed, get help through therapy and medication.

You can learn more about your question by checking these topics at my site: Motivation and Guidelines for Emotional Health as well as the various topics related to depression. You might want to start by going to the full topic list (in the left margin on every page).

JEALOUS BOYFRIEND

Q: My boyfriend claims he loves me but accuses me of doing all kinds of things. He is possessive and controlling. How do I deal with this and reassure him I am faithful in all aspects of our relationship?

A: Your question concerns me a great deal because your boyfriend may be dangerous. He is certainly treating you very poorly and trying to dominate you, and some of the people who have these problems can turn violent.

If you have any knowledge at all of him being violent - to you or to anyone else - you need to end this relationship before it gets worse.

If you don't have any knowledge of him being violent, your desire to reassure him that you are faithful is a good idea. But the only reassurance he should need is for you to give him your word once that you are faithful. If this isn't enough for him, that's his problem and there's nothing more you can do about it.

Another caution: If he abuses alcohol or other drugs, violence is far more likely eventually.

One possible complication would be if he happens to know that you have a history of not being faithful (to him or to someone else). This might make his doubts about you more reasonable. If this is the case, tell him (and tell yourself too) that you realize it will take time before he can trust you about this. (If he's not willing to wait a year or more until he feels he can trust you about this - and if he keeps badgering you about it during that year or more - then he simply isn't right for you.)

There are some topics at my site about this, so I want to invite you to check them out. I'd suggest the topic Feeling Safe as well as all of the topics about relationships.

That ends the "Ask Tony" letters.
Come back often to read newest letters.

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