Q's & A's

Q: My husband asks for my undivided attention constantly. He wants me to "stroke" him by telling him all the ways he is so wonderful. He wants me to do this until he falls asleep at night, (every night) and in the evenings while I rub his feet. I feel drained and then guilty. Is this normal ?

A: Has he always needed so much reinforcement of your love for him? Did he start to do a whole lot more of this at a certain point, maybe after a major setback in your relationship or in some other part of his life? He certainly does seem to be very insecure.

He seems to be asking you to prove that you love him by listing everything you like about him. I don't know if you'll be showing him this letter, but here's what I'd say to him directly: "People either love you as you are or they don't. Any love that matters is for the *whole* person, not for the specific things you do or don't do. When you ask your wife to tell you what she loves about you, you are setting yourself up for disappointment, because you are not perfect and never can be. So if she says you are intelligent you might wonder if she thinks you are 'intelligent enough.' And if she says you are good looking you can still wonder if you are better looking than some other man. People who need so much reassurance usually have a deep down feeling of worthlessness or shame or guilt. These are *your* problems to solve, through talking with a good therapist. If your wife works 24/7 at trying to convince you that everything you do is wonderful, it won't be enough. There's something deeper going on here, and I bet you've had these insecurities long before you even met your wife. It is SO painful to have so much self-doubt. Please get some good help. Know that you are worth it!"

What confuses me about your letter is that this is such a dependent relationship, and I know that dependency is always a two-way thing.

Have you become less dependent recently? Was your husband's dependency OK with you in the past but it's not so OK for you now? (And then maybe he escalated his demands?)

At some point, one partner in dependent relationships moves from being dependent into being more independent. Did this happen in your life recently?

I do think that you need to face that you have greatly reinforced your husband's dependency in the past, and that there must have been some ways that you got your own dependency needs met by him in return. And since his insecurity is so strong, yours must also have been very strong.

I definitely think you will need to tell your husband that all of the verbal strokes he wants has to stop. If you love him, tell him that you do love him just the way he is and that it's up to him to believe you or not - but you will never be able to convince him that your love is real by bombarding him with strokes for his behaviors. Tell him also that kisses and hugs and snuggling of all kinds (including foot rubs) will always show more love and acceptance than all the words in the world - but it's up to him to *absorb* and *believe* your love. And tell him that if it doesn't do this then that's for him and his therapist to work out. There's nothing more you can do about it.

Bottom line: Do *only* what you *want* to do that shows your love. If you rub his feet when you really don't want to, the message he receives through your fingers is that you don't want him! So it does neither of you any good.

Just do what you want, and face that it's up to him to decide if he's loved.

THINKS I'M WRONG ABOUT ABUSE

Q: You seem to answer lots of questions about how to get help if you're hurting people sexually or if you are the one being hurt. You make it sound easy to tell but you're wrong.

A: It's not easy. It's hard! And it's necessary. And it should be done in the safest way possible. It's hard for the victim to decide who is the safest person to tell, of course. Therapists are often the best, but there are bad therapists too, I know.

But it is also true that therapists are now exposed to a lot of information about this kind of abuse so we are your best bet. (I wonder if you told someone years ago. Back then it was very difficult to find anyone who would have treated you well. Even therapists had no idea how often such things happened back then, and how horribly people were being abused, especially children. Now we know. And any therapist who mistreats you or doesn't believe you is a rarity. Leave that therapist's office immediately, go to another therapist, and when you find the good one make sure to tell what happened when you saw the bad one. They can help you decide what to do about how you were treated.)

Q: You should tell people that if they tell about being abused they are the ones that get in trouble not the people hurting them. If you're a kid you get more hurt from the people you get sent to after telling about it. That is why I never tell no one.

A: I am sorry you had such horrible experiences. Being hurt by one person and then being sent to someone else and being hurt again is just terrible. All I can say is I'm sorry.

Q: But you should be honest to those people that write to you. And if you got guys writing to you, you should just tell them to forget about it because people don't even think nothing happens to us guys. And no one gives a shit either.

A: This was a lot more true in the past than in recent years. But I do know things were terrible in the past and I've been around too long to think that bad things have totally stopped happening even now. The thing is that people who have been treated so badly MUST get help. And now the chances are extremely good that you will be treated with respect.

SAYS MEAN THINGS WHEN HE'S DRUNK

Q: If a husband says very critical and mean things to his wife when drinking but not when sober, do these hurtful comments reflect how he really feels about his wife? Could it be subconscious feelings coming out or a total personality change not based in reality?

A: I believe that he means what he says whenever he says it, but that, of course, the alcohol makes him feel different ways at different times.

If he's an alcoholic, he is probably filled with self-hate while he is drunk. He probably feels like he has to drink even though he realizes he can't stop himself alone. And he stupidly refuses to get the help he needs to overcome his urges. All of this self-hate builds in him and he takes it out on the person closest to him.

Everything I said in the last paragraph would matter to him.

But the ONLY part that should matter to you is the last sentence when I say "he takes it out on the person closest to him."

Do you see yourself as someone who deserves to be there when he takes it out on you? If not, why are you there?

It's your job to protect yourself, even from someone you love. It seems he does these things regularly, and I bet you can easily tell when it's likely to start - by recognizing the smells, the slurs, or the stumbles.

Get away from him at least temporarily at all such times. And if he does it too often you do have to ask yourself why you stay with him at all.

There is plenty of good help for him in this world now.

If he refuses to use it, that's horrible for him but it doesn't have to be horrible for you.

MASTURBATION HELP FROM A THERAPIST?

Q: Do you think it's inappropriate or harmful for a therapist to talk a patient through masturbating over the telephone no matter what the genders?

A: I don't think the genders matter.

Otherwise, I guess I might be able to imagine a very unique scenario in which it would be "barely OK," but I'd have strong reservations about it and I'd expect to find that the therapist was actually using it as a cover for sexual involvement with the client. And I'd hate to be the therapist who could have to prove that they didn't do it for their own sexual pleasure.

If the therapist was very well trained as a sex therapist, who knows? (I don't know what their boundaries and limitations are....)

I'd also think that the therapist could have to prove that there wasn't any other possible way for the person to get this kind of help (friends, relatives, lovers, etc.). And I'm sure there are videos available on the web that the client could order which the therapist could mention instead of getting into something like this.

I guess my best true answer is: I sure doubt that it would be OK, but I don't know....

Or maybe it should just be: "Absolutely not!"...??

WANTS HELP TO AVOID MOLESTING

Q: Is it possible to get help to not molest without going to jail?

Yes, definitely... but you'll have to contact agencies in your own area to learn about it.

Call a Family Service Agency or your local Mental Health Association. You can do this anonymously, of course.

Even if your state requires therapists to call authorities, you will be treated far better in court if you have confessed and given necessary details (so your victims can get the help they need). Those who get caught, or deny, or refuse to give details will be treated harshly, of course.

The sad truth is that molesters who don't get treatment tend to do it over and over, and take bigger and bigger risks each time (even though they tell themselves they won't and they try hard to believe it). So things can only get worse if you wait.

Your question shows that you care about people who are molested, and that's what matters most - to you, to any therapist, and to the authorities *IF* they ever get involved.

This is a very important question! I'm glad you asked and that you are on your way to getting help.

LATER: He wrote again about a month later to say:
The Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers web site was the most helpful. The treatment places listed for my state led to a dead end but when looking at a neighboring Cities listings I was able to make two appointments for a possible therapist. There is also a hospital not far with a special program to treat abusers. Thanks.

I thanked him for this information and again told him that I admired his perseverance, his sincerity, and his concern for victims.

WHAT IS SEXUAL ABUSE ?

Q: I just had a real quick question if you happen to find the time... I'm 17 and a couple years ago after my parents divorced, my dad did everything but have sex with me. I've always wondered if this counts as sexual abuse - I used to defend him against peoples' accusations, but now I'm just confused...

A: I assume you mean he touched your genitals or breasts or his own genitals but he did not penetrate you. If this is what happened, YES what he did was Definitely sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse among adults is any sexual activity that is forced against the other person's will.

Sexual abuse between adults and children is any sexual activity. Period. (I have known people whose parents only leered at them inappropriately during the teen years, and yet they suffered in some of the same ways as those whose parents repeatedly raped them. And it's clear your father did much more to you than this.)

I am so sorry this happened to you!

Please get professional help now while you are young. (Your parents need to pay for your therapy, of course. If they can't pay, call a Family Service Agency in your area. If they can't help you call the local Mental Health Association. These agencies work with people who can't afford therapy.)

VIOLENT FANTASIES

Q: Do all or most guys that get off by fantasizing about or watching so called violent acts of sex become sexual predators? thanks

A:: This isn't the kind of thing I'd know about for sure, but I'll do some speculating.

1) I doubt that everyone who fantasizes about this, or about anything, actually ends up Doing the things they fantasize about.

2) There is supposedly a natural stage of development during which sadistic acts are "normal." It's around the age of 11 or 12 for boys, and maybe from about 9 to 15 or so for girls. When you read about someone setting a pet on fire or something like that in the news, you'll usually find that it's a boy around 11 or 12.... and females gossip and demean each other a great deal during the 9 to 15 years. When real life shows kids that the adult world won't tolerate such cruelty, this stage is overcome in most people. Some people "sexualize" these sadistic impulses during these years, and that makes them last.

3) "Violent acts" can mean many things. Many people find a *little* rough sex enjoyable (both sexes). But if the person you are wondering about enjoys watching things like murders and bloody beatings and such, he certainly has a huge problem and may be dangerous.

4) "Sexual predators" is also vague. I think of that term related to abusing children, or at least to "stalking" the opposite sex. I think the dynamics behind stalking and child abuse are usually different. They are definitely into "power" over those they hurt, but usually they don't physically abuse their target the way sadists do.

What matters most is whether the people who are around the adults TAKE the mistreatment.

If you don't feel safe with the person, get away from them.
If you know of illegal acts they've done, please report them for the safety of all others.
If they show any such interest in children, protect those children.

Thanks for an excellent question.

YOUNGER WOMAN

Q: I am in love with a girl that is 22 and as far as I can tell has not been through the independent phase. I am 34 and am independent. I read your article on this. She is in love with me and we are talking about getting married, what do I need to do?

A: If your love is strong enough, what you need to do is just be yourself with her and wait until she catches up. By being close with someone who is in the independent phase she will more quickly get there herself.

Notice the irritants you'll be feeling though, and the ones she'll be feeling too. (Think they are mentioned in The Three Stages of Relationships.)

Also, double-check if you are really in the independent phase. In this culture a whole lot of people are still dependent at your age - and most of them think they are independent. I only mention this because if you met this woman when you were already independent, I wonder why you are attracted to her. (It could also be due to some problematic things like wanting someone to "look up to" you, or someone to take care of, etc.)

GRIEF

Q: My father passed on recently. I was with him at the time. Last night, a week later I dreamed I saw him lost in an airport. I asked him what he was doing there and he said he was waiting for me. We talked a little and I asked him if he was sure he had made the right decision about discontinuing his life-support and he said yes. It has left me feeling sad all day. Can you tell me what this means?

A: I only think it means that you are in the sad stage of grief, and although this can be very painful for you it is natural and healthy.

Grief is one of the most predictable of all the emotions. Basically it works like this:

1) At the precise moment you admit to yourself that the other person is gone you feel a lot of sadness.

2) From then on, usually for weeks or a couple months, you will keep feeling sad in "waves".... If you allow yourself to feel the sadness thoroughly each time, each wave will be less strong than the last one, and the amount of time between the waves of sadness will also keep increasing.

3) After the waves of sadness, there will be similar waves of anger, in the same general pattern. (The anger may be at the bad things about the person you lost, it may be at the illness, it may be at other aspects of he loss.) Just like with the sadness, if you allow yourself to feel in thoroughly the waves will get weaker over time.

4) When it seems that you are completely done (but there are really some tiny waves left that you aren't noticing), you will suddenly feel really big relief. At this point you will be settled about the loss.

5) After #4 you will notice that you begin to replace some of the functions that person served in your life when they were alive.

Two things to be cautious about:

A) Our culture is "anger phobic"... In #3 above you need to be sure you don't pretend that you are not angry when you really are. If you tell yourself you aren't angry you may get depressed instead.

B) #5 is good for you when you start to replace the GOOD functions that person served in your life. But there can also be a tenancy to start to replace the BAD functions that person served too, and you'll want to stop this as soon as you notice it. (For example, if your father shamed you a lot, you might start shaming yourself internally... or you might kind of "hook" other people into shaming you in some way....)

I'm sorry you have to go through this grief.

Depending on how good the person was for you when they were alive, it can be one of the strongest natural feelings you will have.

Give yourself plenty of time to face how you feel so you can get to your relief as soon as passable, OK..?

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