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TONY'S BASICS:
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I sometimes answer brief questions (50 words or less) at no charge.

Telephone counseling is also sometimes available.
(Write first to ask if I have openings.)

Learn more about these options here:
Write to Tony

Here are some of the brief questions I have received
since this service started in September, 2002.
New letters appear at the top.

Real names and identifying information are never shown.
Otherwise, letters are essentially as written.

SELF-LOVE VS. SELF-ABUSE

Q: I just bookmarked your site. It's wonderful. I had an amazing experience in finding it.

I woke up this morning and decided to start loving myself (after 35 years of self-abuse). As a part of this, I decided to go look into the mirror and say aloud to myself "I love you" It was incredibly difficult to do, so knew it was a profound exercise!

Five minutes later I did a Google search for "self love" and yours was the second page I looked at, and I read your advice there about looking in the mirror and saying "I love you." Needless to say I was taken aback. Thank you for your wonderful site. I sincerely wish you all the joy possible.

A: I'm so glad you found my site and that it confirmed something you already knew before you even clicked on it! And, by the way, that's what I believe all therapy is about: telling people it's OK to believe what they already know down deep but they can't get in touch with on their own!

We aren't born "self-loving" but we certainly are born "self-accepting"... and as life goes on and we become capable of love, it's only natural that we'd love ourselves too. If we didn't run into other people who have no self-love and no love for us - and who teach us to judge ourselves based on the last thing we did instead of on who we are - we'd all be self-loving!

Congratulations on overcoming the self-hate you've been taught and letting the natural self-love win out this morning!

SURVIVOR'S FEAR OF THERAPY

Q: I've been reading the topics at your site for several months now and I have found a lot of it very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to help others as you have.

Unfortunately, your topics also made me realize how much trying to help oneself isn't usually enough. Especially when trying to work through more serious problems. I know therapy is where I need to be but allowing myself to actually go is an entirely different story.

I've read some of the other letters people have sent and they are right that women survivors are helped and taken more seriously. Men aren't allowed to need help and if you do then you are considered weak. Or even worse if you disclose your horrible childhood you will surely be looked upon as a possible predator or pedophile. Women get therapy and understanding and men are left out to hurt forever or eat their gun.

As a male survivor who has never told anyone, well I suppose until now, I just want you to know how much your trying to help "everyone" is so worthwhile and appreciated. When I first found this site I was clueless as to why I felt or responded to everything in my life as I have. Coming and reading your topics kept me from eating my gun many nights and I thank you for having been out there to [letter seems to have been cut off here...].

I suppose I'm still hiding since I won't be disclosing who I am but I wanted to write.

A: I read your letter closely. I'm glad you are considering therapy. (Writing to me is proof that you are...!)

I really do hope you let some good professional help you. I have worked with male survivors and the things you are fearing - about being accused of being a predator or pedophile yourself - have Never happened to any of them, even once. (Therapy is confidential unless you admit to abusing a child or you threaten future serious violence - like murder - that could be prevented if it was disclosed...)

I think your worries about this are a direct result of the abuse. People who were abused tend to be scared all the time, and they were brainwashed by their abusers into a lot of shame. This shame has nothing to do with what they actually do or don't do in their lives. It's just a deep feeling - almost a "conviction" - that they are "bad"... and then the fear comes along to help them believe that this "badness" will be discovered by others.... And although it is true that many abusers were victims of abuse themselves as children, it is also true that 95% of the people who were abused do not abuse others when they become adults.

When you do tell a therapist, it will FEEL like you are "confessing" something that You did wrong... but you will get great relief from it, and you will immediately learn that you are actually "confessing" something that was done TO you, not anything you did wrong yourself.

About your references to "eating a gun"..... Please hear me SCREAMING at you: "I WANT YOU TO LIVE!!!!" (And, if necessary, add the phrase "no matter what mistakes you've ever made!") ---- And keep remembering that those thoughts only happen because of all of the Unexpressed pain you have kept bottled up so long.... and that since you have succeeded in living 100% of the time you had those thoughts in the past, the thoughts themselves don't need to be so scary. They are just a sign of the pain that needs to be released thoroughly in a therapist's office.

I'm glad you found my site so useful!!

HER FAMILY WANTS HER TO END RELATIONSHIP

Q: My girlfriend has been really depressed and kind of falling apart because her family fights all the time about her going out with me. We Love each other alot but she told me she wants to take a break for a little while. Should I let her or should I stay with her and help her out? thanks

A: I wonder what you mean by "should I let her." It's her choice. A relationship ends whenever either person ends it. The reasons for it may be discussed and debated if both people want to have such discussions, but all it takes is one person's decision to end it.

You can offer to stay and help, of course, but she can say yes, no, maybe, "only under certain circumstances," "not for six months and then only maybe," or whatever she wants to decide.

"Take a break for a little while" might mean just that, or it might be a nice way to say it has to end now. You'd need to clarify what she means. Will you ever call each other or write? Will both of you be free to date others? Who will initiate contact after the "little while" is over? Etc.

I'm concerned also about what would happen if you stayed in the relationship. Would you always feel in the middle between her and her family? Would she eventually decide that you matter more, or that the family matters more, or, worse, would she never make up her mind and there'd always be problems like this...?

She knows herself and she knows her family dynamic. She's in the best position to decide.

None of this speaks to the pain you will face if it ends. I hope you have many good friends and family members for support.

SELF-HELP THROUGH AFFIRMATIONS

Q: A few years ago I had a problem with depression. I was depressed for several years. I hit bottom when I attempted suicide...it was a pathetic attempt but a serious one. After that I finally decided I didn't want to live that way anymore.

I remembered a technique for changing ones behavior that I had learned in high school. It is called affirmations. I don't know if it's something you know of. They were sentences that said the behavior I wanted in a positive way, no negative words. I wrote myself a list of them. Things like "I love the person I am." or "I know so many people who care very deeply for me." and so on.

Anyways, I put a lot of thought into what feelings were making me depressed and wrote sentences for the way I wanted to think and react to things. Every time I started to react in the way that made me depressed I would take out my list and read it aloud to myself. It worked wonders. I was able to overcome my depression by like reprogramming my brain to think the things I wanted it to and by forgetting the negative thoughts that I dwelled on so much.

I don't know if this is at all helpful but I do know that it is what helped to make me the healthy confident person I have become. I just thought I would share so that I might be able to help someone else.

A: I agree with your opinions and I marvel at the wonderful healing you have done.

I have seen people who have helped themselves with affirmations, but I have also seen people who have hurt themselves with affirmations. I think affirmations help only when:

1) The person has good self-knowledge before they make them.

2) They start with affirmations that they can agree with rather easily, without major internal struggle.

3) They give themselves a lot of time to thoroughly believe them.

4) And they are kind to themselves along the way, especially on the bad days when the affirmations just don't seem to fit.

LEFT A FEARFUL HOME LIFE

Q: My home has been forever a place of intense verbal abuse and fear and, for my Mom, physical abuse as well. I finally succeeded in getting away; soon my little sister might as well.

What of my Mom? Leaving is not an option for her, nor is any sort of therapy. Suggestions?

A: This is a sad situation for everyone who had to live in such a family, of course. And the sad truth you need to face is that your mother's problem of "taking it" all these years is a *major* part of the problem everyone else has had to face.

Even sadder for you, since you care about her, is that you must face that you can't save her.

She can save herself. And if she thinks she "can't" leave (of course she can!), and she refuses to see she has a problem plenty serious enough to go to therapy about, then that's just the way it is. You can't change that any more than you could change the abusiveness all around you when you lived there.

Put your focus on saving yourself now!

Build a good life for yourself with a new family (a "family of friends" as you may have read about a few times at my site). Thanks for your time; you have no idea what a Haven your site is nor how wonderful it is to know that somebody will listen and care!

Are you in therapy? You should consider it, with that background. It in no way means you are crazy or that there's anything negative about you. It only means you are wise enough to want to heal faster by getting help to overcome the natural effects of being surrounded by fear and abuse all those years

ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING IS HER FAULT

Q: In the movie "City Hall", the mayor says, "If a sparrow dies in Central Park, I feel responsible." Like him, I feel a constant, nagging sense of guilt when I cannot tangibly fix ***everything*** that's wrong in the world, no matter how distant or impossible. What can I do about this?

A: Excellent question.

First of all, I have to ask you how much you actually mean what you are saying here. A lot of people say this, but few actually mean that they really do feel guilt about even such remote things. If you mean this even to a 75% level or so, this shows both a lot of guilt and a lot of shame.

Guilt is about specific mistakes we blame ourselves for. Shame is about thinking we ARE the mistake!

If you mean this, you essentially walk through life trying to find reasons for all that emotional pain (the shame), and you will grab at any even the wildest possible explanations for that shame that come your way. You are convinced you are bad, or at least that you aren't good enough and you never can be.

Bottom line: This is a very serious problem and I strongly suggest therapy. It's only through a relationship with a therapist who accepts you deeply that you will get the acceptance you need to overcome such levels of shame and guilt.

IS IT ME OR MY WEIGHT?

I am a little overweight and I don't get many dates because everyone I know is so slim. I have been on a diet all my life and on a perpetual yo-yo with my scale. How do I get a date? Or is it about the weight? The alternative would be that it's me.

A: You present the classic dilemma about weight. On the one hand there's the fear that there's something wrong with the whole you, with who you are at base. On the other hand there's the belief that if you weighed some perfect amount that would somehow prove that there's nothing wrong at all.

Nothing in life is perfect. There are things "wrong" with you, and with me, and with everyone we'll ever meet. And none of us will overcome all of these things and end up perfect some day.

And some of us imperfect people will have a lot of happiness in our lives. And some of us won't.

It won't be about how much we weigh. It will be because someplace along the way we found out that we are OK the way we are, and that helped us to find and stay with other people who knew we were OK the way we were.

Everyone needs to decide whether they do or don't want to regulate their weight. If they decide they will regulate it, the only safe way is under medical supervision. After all, weight is basically about getting enough nutrients so your body can sustain, maintain, and thrive. And those are medical concerns.

MEN WHO ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO IMPRESS

Q: Many men seem to date to prove something. They don't personalize the woman they are with, but instead treat us all as if we are inanimate "things." Why are men like that?

A: Many men and women do everything in their life as if they are "proving" something to others, and to themselves. And many such people treat all others as if they are just satellites provided by the gods just to circle them and prove their worth to the world. I'm sorry you've met so many men who are like this. I hope you'll notice all the women who are like this too, but mainly I hope you'll gravitate away from such people and towards the rest of the people in the world who want closeness and love from REAL partners.

GIVING UP ON VALENTINE'S DAY

Q: Today is Valentine's day and I have no Valentine date or even a serious relationship. I seem to be in this state of flux for the past 10 years. In my early 40s and I am not even perceived as 'relationship or marriage material. And I cannot relax on a date. My guard comes up immediately with people who date various people at once. Please tell me, is it unreasonable to ask/want a person I date not to date other people? Is this OK, and if not, why do I keep running into people who are like that? How do I relax with this person when there are other people in a game? And how do I trust men to be exclusive with me? I would love to settle down, but afraid that it is not in the cards for me.

A: At base, we humans are animals. We are the kind of animal that travels in packs, which we call "families."

Our early families are chosen for us. As we grow up we choose our own packs from among our friends. By the time we get to 40 or so we have matured enough to feel a strong desire for this family of friends, and especially for one most special friend - our mate.

People who have used a lot of alcohol and drugs or who have other addictions can maintain their teenage persona and avoid realizing their need for this family of friends. It seems to me that you have either been dating a lot of people with this kind of immaturity, or you have been dating people ten to twenty years younger.

Your desire for a mate - and for a family of friends you can count on - is only human. Take a close look at the maturity level of the people you date, and make it clear very early on that you are looking for an exclusive relationship.

Let the immature "thrill seekers" go as soon as you can. And learn to find and enjoy the more mature "joy seekers" you find along the way.

SEXUAL FRIENDSHIP ONLY?

I have a friend at work and we have gotten very close in the past years. We've been lovers for four years now. We are both married and one night we went out after work we got intimate. We agreed that we should have a friendship with sex.

Everything was fine except for the night of a company party last week. We went to the party together but when we got there it was like if I didn't exist. I didn't sweat it for 2 reasons: that we didn't want people from work to know, and because I am not the clinging type.

Anyway I noticed him being very chummy with some girls so I called him afterwards and told him that I didn't want to do this anymore. But he doesn't want to let it go.

I get to work and a worker that has been working with him for 20 years said he was a big time player. He told me that it was before he was married and that I am the only one aside from his wife.

We have a lovely relationship that unfortunately involves sex too. I know this is not the right thing to do but I love him and he loves me. He makes me feel like a woman. My husband can't do that because he is sick but I don't want to leave him because of that.

I don't know what to do. I cannot talk to anyone about it because we have to be discreet. What can I do? Should I believe him that he is not with anyone else and keep this going or should I just end it?

A: I think you should admit to yourself that you don't trust him about this, and then decide if you want to stay in the relationship even though you don't trust him.

I do know some people who have been unable to have good sexual relationships with their primary partners due to illness and they have compensated for it with others, as you have done. Some of them don't trust their lovers, some do. And some of them say they are very happy, even those who don't trust the lover.

I keep wondering if your letter - and, ultimately, even your relationship with your lover - isn't covering a lot of other things. If you love your husband and he is ill and unable to satisfy you sexually, a whole lot of questions come to mind.

Even without good sex, this may still be your primary relationship since as it is where you once put most of your hope for a happier life.

Regardless of the current situation and how much you can trust your lover, there are all the other trust issues.

Do you trust your husband? Does he trust you?

Did you trust your lover all along, and, if so, did you have to talk yourself into it and try to ignore all evidence to the contrary?

Can you trust the person who told you he was a player? What was that person's angle (what were they trying to get out of telling you)?

So many trust issues usually lead to serious emotional pain.... You may have built a "house of cards" and you may have been associating for a long time with various others who live in similarly fragile situations.

See a good therapist in person to help you sort all this out.

DIFFERENT CULTURES AND IN LOVE

Q: I recently met a wonderful person who seems to match my personality quite closely. We love spending time together, and can't seem to get enough of each other. However, she is of a different cultural background than I am. Our families and friends are uncomfortable with the idea of us dating each other, and this fact makes it difficult for us to get serious.

How should we move forward? Should we follow our own hearts and try to deal with our surroundings, or should we avoid getting any more serious in our relationship?

A: Your question is very clear, so my answer can also be clear: You should follow your own hearts!

We each have the task of forming our own unique life. This new life is meant to include the new people our hearts lead us to, as well as any of the people from our past that our hearts invite us to keep. Since that's what your letter says you want to do, I can support you completely.

More Letters

Please Tell Your Friends About This Site.

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

Tony Schirtzinger, Therapist (Milwaukee, WI) 

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