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Q's & A's

HE SAYS SHE'S A BIGOT

Q: I was accused me of being a bigot. I have been supporting him through some tough times - I have been upset & pressured- and he said last night that "helping a black child" doesn't make me good & that I was a bigot. For the record, he is black and I am white. I am hurt & concerned!

A: You didn't mention what you did that he thinks is "bigoted." You only mentioned that you have supported him and he hurt your feelings with his comments, especially the below-the-belt comment about "helping a black child."

To me, there is a big difference between being a "bigot" and being prejudiced. If he accused you of having prejudice, I'd probably just say that since you are human I'm sure you are sometimes prejudiced. You probably have ideas about "men" and "women" and "blacks" and "whites" and "rich people" and "poor people" and "politicians" and "lawyers" and many other groups that don't apply to every person within those groups. That's prejudice.

To be a bigot you have to, I think, be against that other group, and see them as enemies. And you certainly aren't against everyone in his group because you haven't always been against him!

I basically just think that the specific words he used when he was angry are not very important. What is important is what you did that made him this angry, and what he did that made you angry (before, during, and after this argument), and whether you are glad that you have supported him as much as you have or if you regret it to some degree. If you are glad you supported him, keep it up and enjoy it! If you regret it, stop it. In either event, don't expect anything in return for support you have given freely. (Don't even expect appreciation. In a fair world you would get it, but the world isn't fair - and if this person hasn't been appreciative in the past there's no reason to expect it in the future either.)

Bottom line: This argument was about something else. Focus on that. What matters is what actually went wrong between you. What he wanted vs. what you did... What you wanted vs. what he did... And how well each of you asked for what you wanted - and said yes or no clearly - at the time.

MOTHER FINDS SON'S PORN

Q: I found a large box of pornography pictures and videos in my thirteen year old son's room. I know that there is a certain normal curiosity at this age about sex and all that. However, most of the material I found was of forced sex. He wouldn't discuss any of this with me and besides going to school won't come out of his room. Should I be concerned? Or could this be a phase?

A: Basically, HE should be concerned, and I'm sure he is concerned. I'd strongly encourage him to speak with a professional about this even though this does NOT necessarily mean that he has a big problem.

Certainly his strong sexual desire is normal at this age, and his not wanting to talk with his mother about it is completely normal, and even some degree of isolating from the family is normal (especially considering that you found this material).

I could speculate further about what the type of pornography he has in his room might mean, but I don't want to do him a disservice by taking the chance of overreacting and misinterpreting. He simply needs to talk to a competent professional so he can sort this all out. And you need to let him do this in complete confidentiality (no questions about what they talked about when he gets home, OK...?).

ISN'T PERFECTIONISM GOOD FOR US?

Q: After reading the comments on perfectionism, I couldn't help but think how it sounded like a prescription for mediocrity. Would we have great art, music and literature in a world with low standards? In fact, isn't it one of the criticisms of our culture that it produces quantity over quality (i.e., it's produced by people who haven't really spent enough time at their craft?).

A: A couple of quite different responses to your question come to mind:

1) Some artists who produced great art were miserable, of course. (Van Gogh immediately comes to mind.) If his misery somehow helped him to create great art, I'm glad for us that he was miserable! But I'm sure he wasn't glad for himself, and he felt he wasted his life regardless of his accomplishments.

2) I don't believe misery "helps" in any way at all! I wonder what Van Gogh could have created if he was self-accepting, self-loving, etc�. And I bet he wondered too.

3) I believe our culture produces too much junk too. I think it most often is produced by people who overvalue money, possessions, "winning," and imagined superiority - instead of those who value self-acceptance, acceptance of others, and closeness.

4) Even though we produce way too much junk in this culture, we also produce a lot of quality. The people I know who produce quality are a lot happier than those who produce quantity. (What is your experience about this?)

I think the key disagreement between us is that I believe quality comes from feeling good about ourselves, and you believe it comes from feeling bad about ourselves and trying to "earn" our value through the things we produce. If this is even close to the truth for you, please ask yourself where you got the ideas expressed in your question. My guess is that you got them from people who were not kind to you and who sort of "force fed" these ideas into you.

I don't believe it's natural for us to grow up trying to meet difficult and perfectionistic standards.

I believe we are born accepting of ourselves and we don't lose that unless we absolutely must, under duress.

DEPRESSED A LONG TIME

Q: I am a 60 year old with 16 years as a recovering alcoholic. Today although my health and surroundings are great, II do not have any emotional feelings except sadness, disappointment, uncertainty, and loneliness. I don't get any enjoyment out of anything that I do. How can I begin to revive my feelings so I can FEEL good things?

A: Of course I don't know you personally, but from these few words I'd surely guess that you are talking about being very depressed for a long time. Many alcoholics use alcohol to self-medicate for depression, and having no emotions other than sadness and loneliness and disappointment sure sounds like depression.

Here's what you should do, step by step:

1) Assume, unless a psychiatrist tells you differently, that you are depressed.

2) Make an appointment with a psychiatrist. Ask him or her if this is depression and, if so, what to do about it. The psychiatrist will probably prescribe an antidepressant for you. Use it and listen carefully about how long it takes to "test" the medication to see if it's the right one and if it's in the right dose.

3) Go to a psychotherapist. If you don't know who to call, ask the psychiatrist for a referral.

4) Throughout all of this, LEARN about depression. You can start by reading everything at my site about it. There's even a special list of topics that are related to depression at http://HelpYourselfTherapy.com/topics/Y_Depres.html.

Supposedly, 60% of us have serious depression some time in our lives. Almost all of us DO get over it. These steps I'm suggesting are the way to get over it, especially if it has been going on for a long time.

Thank you for writing to me! I wish you the very best!

And congratulations on getting started on your healing by writing to me!

WHY DO I HAVE THIS SYMPTOM?

Q: I've felt "spacey" for a year and a half, and I've had every medical test imaginable. Have you ever seen people with this symptom? Did they ever get over it, and if so how?

A: Yes, many people have reported or demonstrated "spaciness" when they came to see me.

When there is no medical answer for a symptom, a therapist can investigate by asking:
1) When did it start?
2) What was going on in your life at the time it started? Any major changes in work, relationships, etc.?
3) What improves the spaciness (even slightly) during an average day?
4) What seems to make the spaciness worse (even slightly) during an average day?

You and the therapist would be looking for a pattern in your answers.

For instance, you might find that you took on a much more challenging job when it started, it gets better when you've completed a tough assignment, and it bets worse when you are given a tough assignment.

Another example might be that you lost a loved one around the time the symptom started, it gets worse when anyone is angry with you, and it gets better when you feel close to someone.

If a pattern is found, you would then work on the core of the problem. (In my first example you'd need to overcome anxiety and improve your self-image and sense of competence. In the other example you'd look at facing the loss of the loved one and learning that you can still thrive without the person.)

You are wise to have checked out all of the medical possibilities. And, yes, I'd suggest now that you talk with a therapist about the psychological possibilities -- even if you believe you have answered my four questions and can't find any connection. (If you've had this problem for a couple of years and if there is a psychological basis for it which you've never realized, there might be some denial going on.)

HER THERAPIST SHAMES HER

Q: I have a really poor therapist who is harming me. I am not sure how to extricate myself from her (long story), but I started seeing another therapist recently so I could get help with that and other things. I am going to share your site with #2. You and she seem to see things the same. No shame, no blame, no labels. Therapist #1 is very much into shame, blame, labels.

A: Seems to me that therapist #1 is the person who most needs to visit my site! Glad you know that blame/shame labels are a bunch of crap no matter who throws them around!

THINKS SHE'S A BURDEN TO BOYFRIEND

Q: I'm seeing a counselor because I was abused as a child. I'm 19 and have been with my boyfriend for two years. I dwell on his past and the women he's slept with,as I've only slept with him. I feel guilty that he's with me when I am such a burden. Help!

A: The most important part of this for me is that you are seeing a counselor and yet you are writing to me about this. Are you pleased with your counselor? Is she/he a therapist or some other kind of counselor? You need someone who is well-trained in dealing with childhood abuse, and they should be a therapist (whether social work therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist).

You sound like you think so little of yourself... comparing yourself to other women in his past, feeling "guilty that he's with me," etc.... Childhood abuse creates very low self-worth.

Know that your boyfriend PICKED YOU... and that this is his choice, and it is based on his experiences with the other women. He didn't leave you. He's there now.

About being a "burden".... Don't think with your boyfriend about your therapy issues, about sadness/anger/fear you have from childhood, etc. Notice that I said don't Think with him about this. I didn't say you should hide your emotions or anything like that. It's just that things get very confusing when someone basically says "I'm feeling bad and I don't know why." When we are feeling that way, we need to talk to a therapist - and we need to avoid using a lover as if he is a therapist. This is the only way I can imagine you to be a "burden" on him. Otherwise, he's with the woman he Wants to be with, and I assume he has made a Wise choice - since we all have problems and it's only the Healthiest among us who seek help!

BISEXUAL BOYFRIEND

Q: When my boyfriend was a teenager, he had a sexual fling with a man. Before and since he was only with women. Also, he enjoys porn, some of which is transsexual and gay stuff. How common is this? Should I be worried? I keep obsessing about it...

A: Some people theorize that we are all straight and gay to various degrees. So feeling excitement while thinking about sex with both men and women is relatively common. But I don't think that how common it is really matters. You have to deal with your own real situation, regardless of whether you are the only one or there are millions of others going through the same things.

Should you be worried? Worry never helps anything, of course. But I can understand that you would be, since all of us are insecure to some degree - and most of us are more insecure about sex than about anything else.

Above all else, what matters is whether you and your boyfriend have a spoken agreement that he won't be sexual with anyone else, and whether he's a person who keeps his word! (You might want to read "Who Can You Trust?" at my site.) We all are capable of fantasizing about and actually having sex with other partners, and most of us eventually agree not to act on those capabilities in order to be in a safe, secure relationship with one person.

Other than that, you need to know if your lover feels satisfied and complete in his relationship with you. (I've known some bisexuals who have happy, long-term relationships with people of their own sex and others who have been happy with people of the opposite sex. They usually say that straight people don't realize that for them it really does come down to the Person they choose to love, not so much which set of genitals the other person happens to have.)

If you are using the term transsexual to mean that your lover feels like a woman trapped in a man's body, then I'd strongly suggest that he get therapy from someone trained to work with this issue. He'd need to feel resolved about remaining a male before you'd make any long-term sexual commitment, of course.

In all relationships, what matters most is how your partner treats you, and your letter doesn't mention anything about this.

Just know that he's bisexual and that it all comes down to whether he will ever want to make and keep a lifelong commitment with any specific woman or man or if he will want to stay free to have both kinds of sex. Enjoy your relationship as much as you can, and give yourself and your partner plenty of time to see how things evolve.

FRIEND CUTS AND BURNS HIMSELF

Q: I have a long time friend that has confided in me that he sometimes cuts & burns himself. My friend and I met at a Foster Home we stayed at for a few years. So I was always aware that my friend's childhood was dysfunctional & harmful but it wasn't until a year ago that my friend started hurting himself. He tells me past memories become overwhelming for him and harming himself helps. I know my friend isn't crazy but I also know this isn't normal and above all very dangerous. He says it's never a suicide attempt but I'm still concerned.

I was able to find a lot of information online but only about women self-injurers. Do you know of any places for guys? My friend won't go to counseling as it was used more as torture when we were in the Homes. All that is left is helping ourselves.

A: Self-cutting is definitely a sign of the need for therapy. I do understand that counseling has a bad taste for your friend (and I guess for you) but you must understand that, yes, there are bad counselors... and there are even bad therapists (there is a difference...).... but there are also many good ones, and your friend could Die from what he is doing. He could die accidentally from too deep a cut, from an infection, etc... and he could die on purpose.

You must not take it on yourself to decide how serious or minor his behavior is. He needs Good therapy. (Maybe you could do some investigating for your friend to help him to find a therapist who is well trained in dealing with childhood memories and cutting behaviors... It would be difficult, but maybe with your reassurances about the likelihood that the therapist was well investigated in advance he would be more willing to try it.)

It is true that females who cut themselves are more numerous and most of the information focuses on them. But any therapist who is good at working with females who have this problem would also be good at working with males.

I'm sorry to hear about your own problems in the past, including problems with the bad counselor. Please note that a whole lot of people call themselves "counselors" and many of them do not have much training in therapy (although some do). In most states, calling yourself a "therapist" implies certain training and licensing. So don't try another counselor for something this serious. Your friend needs a Good Therapist.

Thanks for writing. I wish you and your friend the very best.

BREASTS AS ANXIETY REDUCERS

Q: My husband enjoys caressing an massaging my breasts, I enjoy it as well. He and I had always done this in private without any further sexual intimacy happening. We both find it to be relaxing and substantial.

In the last year my husband has been under more stress then usual and we have done our above activity a lot more often. Over the last few months he has started needing to do it before a big meeting or other stressful situations, often in semi public areas. At first this was a thrill, but now it seems not much else calms his anxiety.

Is this a healthy way to continue to deal with stress? Should I not be concerned with his added need for this? I wonder are there other couples that do this as well.

A: The first thing that comes to mind is "If it works, don't fix it!"....

If your husband is way too dependent in general, that's a big problem. If his anxiety is building over time and it is getting too much for him (and you) to handle, that's another big problem. But this way of dealing with stress sure is a lot better than alcohol or drugs or nail biting or hair pulling or gambling or compulsive masturbation or most other things I can think of!

I'm sure there are other couples who do this or similar things when they want a dose of closeness before anxiety provoking situations, but I don't think it matters even a little bit whether other couples do this. Every couple has many unique things they discover about each other and the only question is whether Both people feel OK about what they discover.

Hope this can minimize some of your own anxiety about this, and that you and your husband continue to feel close in whatever ways work best for you!

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