SELF-Therapy: Questions and Answers #5

I answer Brief Questions (50 words or less) at no charge.

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Here are some of the brief questions I have received
since "Ask Tony" started in September, 2002.
New letters appear at the top.

Real names and identifying information are never shown.
Otherwise, letters are essentially as written.

LIVES WITH AN ALCOHOLIC

Q: I have been living with an alcoholic for 5 years now, he is not physically abusive, but he is verbally when he is drinking.

His parents have refused to help him or talk with him about his problem. They always tell me I don't know how to advise you or help you. This shows me that they don't care.

He has received help before and has been to prison twice because of drinking and driving. What can I do to try to help him out? He is a kind and caring person when he is not drinking. Please give me some pointers. Thank you.

A: I'm afraid you might think I'm like his family, that I don't care.

What I think is that he knows that he received help before, so he knows that he can get it again. And for some reason you are kind of hooked into thinking that you have to solve HIS problem.

Maybe his parents have tried to help many times and learned eventually that it was all up to him. Maybe they never tried to help, since he was born. But you need to learn that's it's all up to him, regardless.

I strongly suggest that you look into "Alanon" groups if you haven't already. They can help people who live with alcoholics to realize what they can and can't do for themselves, and for the alcoholic. (I'm sure you can find a local group through the Internet, but, if not, call any "AA" group or call your local Mental Health Association.)

I admire your love. Sincerely. I just don't want you to confuse love with allowing yourself to be mistreated. These things usually get worse over time.

We all need to love ourselves More than we love anyone else. Otherwise, things backfire.

Please put the responsibility on the only person who can change all this - the man with the alcohol problem.

FANTASIES ABOUT HER PSYCHIATRIST

Q: I began seeing a psychiatrist two years ago because I was obese and at 30 years old, had never had a boyfriend. Now I�ve lost 60 pounds and am trying to let men �in�, but really have no interest in meeting anyone because I am so in love with my fabulous shrink. I know, transference, etc.! We discuss it all the time, and he is so patient with me � but I am more content living in a fantasy world with him than finding a real companion. Tell me what I already know, please! Maybe it will sink in if I hear from someone else.

A: I like your "tell me what I already know" line! So here goes:

1) It happens all the time.

2) A true relationship with him will never happen.

3) You are entitled to keep the fantasy if you like. Nobody can stop you.

4) If you keep the fantasy you'll be using it instead of facing your issues about men and real relationships.

5) The fantasy with the psychiatrist is something you know to be impossible. So you are holding on to what must be your basic belief: that relationships are impossible for you! (Not true, of course... but lots of people hold on to their untrue fantasies...)

6) No real relationship can ever be as good as a good fantasy relationship. It can be a lot better for a short while (during the early stages), but eventually you will notice all of the imperfections.

7) The stronger your fantasies about the psychiatrist are the more likely it is that you aren't really seeing him as a man at all, but more as a "father" or "mother" figure - who would "take care of you perfectly and forever" (... rather than as a lover who is your equal and who doesn't take over your own job of taking good care of yourself.)

I guess I could go on, but that's good for starters.

Just keep talking to the psychiatrist about this. If it seems too difficult to continue with him because of the intensity of your fantasies you might want to consider a different therapist, at least for a while.

I'd suggest that you show the psychiatrist my response, to help both of you as you discuss things.

SUICIDAL AND EMBARRASSED

Q; Have you ever humiliated yourself so bad you just want to die? I sent the pastor of my church a card telling him how I feel about him, that I like him, etc. and now I regret it. He was feeling low and I wanted to cheer him up. All my words sounded really stupid. There's no telling what he thinks of me. I can't face him. I've thought of suicide to end this misery I'm in. That's how mortified I am. What can I do?

A: Well, I never Really "wanted to die" because of it, but, sure, I have felt big-time humiliation in my life. I think everyone has...

Since you mentioned suicide, what you should do is immediately call a good therapist in your area!

This reason for feeling so bad is NOT the biggest problem. You could contact the pastor to find out how he is feeling, etc.... The "thought of suicide to end this misery" is the problem!

"MILD" SEXUAL ABUSE IN CHILDHOOD

Q: I am a middleaged woman. As a child, I was felt up (outside the clothes) by an uncle. My parents refused to intervene, to preserve family peace and because I was asking for it. It was very mild "abuse" but I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

A: You don't say whether you are in therapy or ever have been, but this is very serious stuff that should be looked at closely by a competent therapist.

These memories are probably bothering you now because you recently noticed how strong you are, compared to before - when you weren't having these memories. That may seem strange, but the way it works is that such memories are "forgotten" or they become "background" during the time/years when we feel too weak to deal with them. They become foreground when we finally feel strong enough to handle them (with a competent therapist).

The most important thing I can possibly say to you is simply that I am sorry you had such experiences. I do know how truly overwhelming they are to a child. (I'd also like to apologize for your parents, if I was able to do that! What a horrible way to handle such a thing!)

HE'S SHY AND SHE SAID "NO"

Q: There is a girl who I like very much indeed. I have told her how I feel but she says she is not interested, which I accept.

I would be happy just being friends, but I think she feels uncomfortable knowing how I feel about her. She very rarely wants to go anywhere with me, unless it's in a group. When I go to the pub where she works, she'll talk to me, but only if there is no one else she knows to talk to.

I don't know if I am behaving in the wrong manner, because if she is talking to anyone else I will tend to ignore her, because I don't want to invade her privacy. I'm quite shy you see, so that is another reason why I wont talk to her, if she is with anyone else. What should I do?

A: What you should do about her is believe that she means it when she says she isn't interested. (Sorry... but the "no means now" thing applies here.)

What you should do about you is more complicated:

1) Find someone else who interests you, of course. (Maybe not in a bar. The strikeout rate for those relationships is incredibly high.) The success rate for those who meet in the Internet, for instance, is probably much higher.

2) Be ready to face terrible odds! On average, we meet and consider probably 20 different partners before we find one that lasts. If you get rejected, it's not a match. Move on. (And be sure to do your own rejecting if necessary. Being stuck with someone you don't really like enough is one of the worst outcomes.)

3) Forget any romantic thoughts like "there's only one person in the world for each person." You can love many people, many people can love you.

4) About your shyness: If it's severe, consult a psychiatrist. The current theory on shyness, I think(!), is that there is a medical/physical basis for it.

IS HER GUY GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER?

Q: How do you know if your guy is "good enough" for you to marry? How do you know whether your longing to be with other guys is just a "seven year itch" or a sign that your heart belongs elsewhere? How do you determine what you really need in a relationship?

A: Wow! What excellent questions. Think I'll take them one at a time:

1) How do you know if your guy is good enough to marry?

The key here is the phrase "good enough." So many people have problems with this, so I wonder if you do too.

If you know that you yourself are good enough - and that includes knowing that you are far, far from perfect and always will be - then you probably have a good idea about what "good enough" means and you can apply that standard to your man.

If you know you have internal struggles regularly about whether you are good enough yourself, and if you know that you keep picking on yourself for not being perfect in various ways, then you don't understand what "good enough" means, and you can't possibly apply that standard to your man. (If you have these issues, I'd suggest therapy.)

2) How do you know whether your longing to be with other guys is a sign your heart belongs elsewhere?

The world "longing" bothers me here. If you only notice that other people are attractive and you'd enjoy being with them, that's something that lasts all your life and nothing to be concerned about. But if you keep being dissatisfied and you almost continuously ask yourself if you want to be with someone else, then you probably do.

3) How do you determine what you really need in a relationship?

Whenever we get what we want we feel immediate relief (which lasts a very short amount of time, seconds or minutes), and then we feel a generalized sense of satisfaction (which can last for hours or days).

Because of this, I'd suggest that you need to ask yourself if you EVER notice relief and satisfaction in any phase of your life. Many people never do. They are usually people who were cajoled by their parents in to achieving more and more and more, so they never felt they were good enough for any length of time when they were kids.

As bizarre as it may sound, you can begin to realize what relief feels like every time you go to the bathroom! You do feel physical relief as soon as you feel finished in there. That physical sensation of "enough" or "being finished" is the same set of physical sensations that you feel whenever you feel relief of any kind. That's the kind of feeling you want after you've been with your man, and you need to be able to imagine reasonably that if you and he stay pretty much the same as you are now you will probably be able to feel that way most of days after you are married.

There's something I keep thinking about that doesn't relate directly to your three questions. I keep wondering which stage your relationship is in�.

If you have only been together for less than a year, you should still be at "the in love stage." This is a time when both of you usually feel like you want to be together every second, and you think about each other in an "idealized" kind of way ("he's so perfect!", etc.). If you are in the first few months of the relationship and you never feel this way about him, I don't think it's very likely that you will be good for each other over the long haul.

If, on the other hand, you did have that intense "in love stage" some time ago and now you are further along in the relationship, you may be in the "lifestyles stage." This is where you work out things like who will live where, whether you will marry, whether you will have kids some day, how you each get along with the other person's family, and other lifestyle issues. This is a turbulent period. One day you feel great about each other but the next day, when there's a difference of agreement about one of these things, you can feel pretty discouraged and think that this isn't the person for you. If you are in this second stage I'd suggest that you look back over the last few months to see if you only wondered about things when one of these issues was being discussed. If so, the relationship itself may be very strong and you and he only need to do some decision-making and compromising to keep your love on track.

There are two later stages in relationships, but they probably aren't relevant here so I won't go into them today.

I hope my words on this page help you and your partner think this through.

If you need further help, remember that there are lots of therapists who work with couples every day on issues like yours.

WORRIED HE'S GAY

Q: I had relationships with males before. I think I am gay. I have never slept with a woman. I have also observed that when I see a beautiful girl, I don't have an erection. I am worried whether I will have a sexually healthy relationship with my wife when I marry. I am not involved with any males now, but how do I gain confidence that I will get an erection when I am with a girl or my wife. Please advise.

A: First of all, some people are genetically predisposed to be attracted to their own sex. Whether you are or aren't gay doesn't need to be something "awful" for you to contemplate.

The strangest thing in your letter is that you seem to be certain that you will marry a woman even though you have all these doubts. Why would you marry if you weren't sexually attracted to your partner?

You mention that you don't get an erection when you see a beautiful woman. Do you get an erection every time you see a handsome man? I doubt it! Maybe sometimes this will happen suddenly when you see a person you are attracted to - especially if you are a teenager - but sex between two people involves a lot of PLAY that causes both people to become excited. It's only while you are having this kind of fun together that you will learn how your body responds under various circumstances.

I could also ask what you imagine when you masturbate. But with all of your anxiety it could be that your worry leads you to thinking about men then even if you would actually prefer thinking about a woman.

Your anxiety about all this is the biggest problem, and there isn't much I can do in a brief letter to help you with it. You really need to consult with someone in person about this, and tell them all about your experiences and your concerns. And, of course, you may need to have some actual experiences with a woman who loves you and treats you well.

THERAPIST'S QUALITIES: TRAINED OR INBORN?

Q: This is more like an "academic" question, to which I needed an answer by a professional. Do you think that in order to be a therapist, it is necessary that someone naturally have a strong insight into other people; meaning an inborn ability to guess their personality characteristics and psychological states based on limited information? Or is this a skill that can be acquired through studying and experience?

A: It�s a skill that can be developed and it�s also a skill that I think some people bring into the profession even before they get any training. I especially think that people who enter the profession later in life (30�s plus..) tend to bring a lot of this with them.

A much more important characteristic, however, is whether the therapist is good at looking at their own foibles and problems and working them through with or without a therapist of their own along the way. Self-awareness is even more important than understanding the client�s problems intellectually.

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