Q's & A's

SHE'S A PERFECTIONIST

Q: I suffer from Perfectionism. Seeing a therapist will cause me great anxiety. I don't feel comfortable talking face to face to a stranger about my problem, and I don't want to admit to anyone face to face that I have a problem.

A: You make seeing a therapist sound like torture!

Have you had some really bad experiences with therapy or with something you think is like therapy? Is it mainly about admitting to someone else that you aren't "perfect" and acknowledging your anxiety? (The therapist knows you are imperfect and have anxiety already, just because you are human being... Maybe your degree of anxiety will be seen as notable, but the therapist, if she or he is any good at all, will Care that you are so anxious and they'd have no interest in belittling you...)

Q: Do you have some tips on how I can stay calm as I put myself through the process of seeing a therapist?
A: I'm sure you have many methods you already use to stay calm when you find it difficult... The methods wouldn't be much different for seeing a therapist than for other things that trigger anxiety for you. (Deep, slow breathing... Admitting that you don't know what's going to happen so any scary thoughts are only fantasy and you will find out how it will go only after you see the therapist.... Knowing that therapy is a relatively lengthy process, so the first meeting or two won't matter much in the longer run... Etc.)

Two other thoughts, assuming that your anxiety is so strong it limits your ability to talk to a therapist:

1) You might want to see a psychiatrist or a knowledgeable MD first - to get medication which will help calm you down. (A psychiatrist is a much better idea than any other MD, but I mention the other MDs in case you know of a good one and in case it takes too long to get an appointment with a psychiatrist.).

2) You could start by talking on the phone with a therapist. (Me for example... Let me know if you want to learn about how this could work.)

ADDICTED DAUGHTER AND HER CHILD

Q: My 30 year old daughter and her 11 year old daughter have came to live with my husband and I. She supposedly attempted to recover from severe drug abuse but she left the treatment center after just one week. We know for certain that she is still using drugs and in contact with other users, even though she denies it. I don't want to enable her and/or allow her to use us.

The problem is my granddaughter. I don't think my daughter is capable of caring for her, but we don't want to get stuck raising her either. The father is not in the picture.

How do you stop enabling while protecting a child and yet keep from disrupting your entire life?

A: You really have a lot of hope that a few words can help!

I think you need very clear priorities, and you need to work with professionals who know a lot more about drug addiction and your daughter in particular than I do.

Here are the priorities I would have in this situation.

1) Making sure the child is SAFE comes first... (but read on...)

2) You are the most important person in your own life! (As obvious as that sounds, don't lose sight of it while you deal with all of this...)

3) Your life with your husband comes next. (If you generally treat each other well.)

4) The Quality of your granddaughter's life probably comes next. (What I mean here is that after you are sure she is Safe, you don't have to make sure she has a warm and satisfying life unless you really want to do this. If you don't really want to do it, you won't succeed in helping her in this way anyway.)

Notice that I haven't mentioned your daughter at all in these priorities. That's because she is an adult who must learn to take care of herself and you can't help her to change if she doesn't want to change... and neither can the drug treatment program or anyone else.

She needs to get excellent help When She's Ready... and the path she's on will probably bring her to some moment when she is fed up with her lifestyle and very willing to change it with the help of professionals. But if she's not there yet, there's nothing anyone can do.

You might want to use what I've said here as you discuss this with your husband and maybe use it also as you discuss all of this with the drug treatment staff your daughter has been working with recently.

Don't wait to get more help about all of this. Read the topic at my site that talks about getting help now: http://HelpYourselfTherapy.com/topics/considth.html This is Very important.

I wish you and your family the very best!

THINKS MEN ONLY TURN ON TO BREASTS

Q: Why are men only attracted to a woman's breasts?

A: They aren't!

Men are known to respond more to "objects" than women do, and that includes breasts, eyes, skin, buttocks, legs, vagina, and everything else. But men also respond to the whole person, just as women do.

Women are known to respond more to "the whole person" than men do. But woman also respond to "objects," including the penis, buttocks, muscles, etc.

Some men respond more to the whole person than to any objects. Some women respond more to objects than to the whole person.

Since you couldn't possibly have interviewed all men, I've got to assume you've just run into some pretty committed "breast men." But even if you ask them, and if you believe what they tell you, I'm sure they will tell you that they like, and respond sexually, to a lot more about women than just their breasts!

It's all a matter of degree and everyone is different.

PS - The most exciting thing to a man is a woman who wants them sexually.

ABUSED, PROBABLY ANOREXIC, AND TOO DEPENDENT ON HER THERAPIST?

Q: AS a child I was sexually abused for a long time. I have had a lot of consoling for the last three years. I think I may have a problem as I have become too dependent on her.

I really like her a lot. She has given me back my life. She is the kindness that I have never known. I love going to her for consoling.

In the last year I have issues about food. Last summer I stopped eating for three weeks and since then I mostly only eat one meal a day. I lost three stone. I am now eight and a half stone. I am very tall. Most people tell me that I am too thin now. I like my weight now. I cant stand if I even put on a pound.

I don't really know if I have an eating problem or not. Does it sound like I am too dependent on my counselor?

A: First of all, let me just say how sorry I am that such terrible things happened to you as a child, and for so long. Secondly, no, I'm not concerned about whether you are too dependent on your therapist.

You may not realize it, but three years is not a long time to be in therapy for sexual abuse in childhood, and it is not only common for you to feel dependent on her it is probably a very good sign at this point.

You have needed to find a safe "parent-type" person (like a good therapist can be) for a long time. Once you've found such a person you are very likely to feel young in their presence, because the little girl inside of you does feel as if she "needs" the therapist. (You should know that if something happens and this therapist isn't available for a while, however, that there are many other good therapists you could find on your own or who your current therapist could refer you to. It's OK to believe you "need" her while you've got her, but if you lose her some day you will need to realize that she isn't the only person who can be there for you in tough times.)

My biggest concern is about your eating disorder. And, yes, I do think it's very likely that you have an eating disorder considering that so many people think you are too thin and you think it would we terrible if you gained even a pound! (Many people with eating disorders have been sexually abused too, of course.)

I think you can just feel lucky that you have found a therapist who is a good match for you and you should tell her everything and work with her to overcome the eating disorder as well as the childhood trauma. I mention "tell her everything" because both sexual abuse and eating problems tend to be related to "shame issues"� and people with shame issues tend to hurt their own therapy quite a bit by holding back or "waiting until the right moment" to tell their therapists everything. This is the main way they water down their therapy, and one of the biggest reasons why therapy needs to be lengthy.

TOO INVOLVED WITH HIS EX

Q: I'm dating a divorced father who freely gives his ex too much child support. He says she will not be able to live in the same home without his help. Not only this but now he is keeping his children full time and continuing to provide her with most of the child support! I am astounded!!

We've been dating one year and recently he told me that he could not pursue our relationship while the kids were in high school. This is not really a problem because I have a similar situation, but I feel rejected because he announced it.

He also continues to do chores for his x even though he knows it hurts me. She divorced him and is dating someone. I believe she just uses him.

I want to know if I should put up with his wanting to be her handyman, help her with anything-anytime. Many times he helps her with things that don't affect the children. Am I overreacting or is he wrong? Should I continue this relationship?

A: I don't know if you should put up with this or not, but I do know that you should face that things are the way they are and make your decisions accordingly.

There's a pretty strong pattern here in his behavior, and in his apparent inability to let go of the other relationship. Maybe he still hopes to get back with her. Maybe he only feels a lot of responsibility toward his children.

Maybe there are other reasons for all he's doing about the past relationship, but you need to face that he IS doing all of this, that you have told him that it bothers you, and that he has refused to make the changes you say you want him to make.

I'd suggest that you look at the fact that you are staying with him while things are like this. The fact that you are staying could show that although this bothers you it doesn't bother you enough to do anything about it. That's OK! Of course, the fact that you are staying could also show that you lack the self-confidence to let go of him and expect to find a better relationship. That'd be a big problem!

Look closely at your own reasons for staying so far. My guess is that you'll find your own answers about what to do about him if you look closely at why you are with him now.

SHE'S CONCERNED ABOUT HIS WEAK ORGASMS

Q: My man is 30 years old and I was his first sexual experience, his first time. He does have an ejaculation he says, but he does not feel the full orgasm. He just feels it come out .

Why doesn't my man experience a full body orgasm?

A: This is a problem for your man to discuss with a medical expert.

Since he doesn't have much experience with women he could be confused about a whole lot of things. And, of course, there's the possibility that there is some sort of medical problem going on that an expert can help him to identify and get fixed.

It's kind and loving for you to care about him so much. But it is, after all, his problem and he will need to get the help he needs from an expert. (There are therapists who specialize in sexuality, usually listed in the phone book under "Marriage and Family Therapists.")

MOVED SO OFTEN THAT SHE HAS TROUBLE MAKING FRIENDS

Q: Up until I was 9 year old I moved 7 times and attended 5 schools. In that time I made many friends and lost many friends. After I was 9, I moved 3 more times but stayed in the same school district.

I am now 26 years old and only have 2 very close friends. I have several acquaintances, but I can't seem to make any long lasting friendships anymore.

I would like to know why this is happening. I am a bit sarcastic, and not really a mushy girl. Do I have to shower these people with gifts, or is there a secret weapon to keeping my friends interested?

A: First of all, my guess is that you are too hard on yourself about this. Maybe all that moving around convinced you that you have a bigger problem making friends than you really do. You have two close friends, and you have the ability to make more. That's pretty good!

You say you "only have two very close friends." I wish I could ask you how you are using the word "very" here. Even having one friend who is close enough to you and with whom you can spend enough time, is great.

Don't compare yourself to people who seem to have a lot of friends. They are usually talking about people who are more like acquaintances. They may be counting everyone who recognizes them or ever spends ten minutes with them as a friend. I'd much rather have two good friends than fifty acquaintances.

Everyone has about the same amount of time and energy to spend with friends. If your two very close friends use up most of this time, consider yourself lucky. If not, keep the two you have and circulate more. (You made friends well in the past, so you don't need to learn how to do it. You just need to decide if you do want to do it.)

You don't mention anything about your love life. If there's something lacking there, I'd suggest you look here to increase your sense of satisfaction with others.

If you read this and you think I don't understand, you might consider a few appointments with a therapist to clarify the problem and get some better suggestions.

18 YEARS OF MISTREATMENT

Q: I have been married for 18 years. My husband is always cursing. He can not say one sentence without cursing. He is always complaining. Weather its about how I tend our house, the neighbors, my friends, his job, our daughter.

He is always angry. Example: I took my daughter (4) to a friends birthday party. He didn't want us to go because he had nothing to do that day (not golfing that day). For the rest of the evening he was nasty to me, picking fights, complaining.

He is never happy. When he doesn't get his way he pouts and gets nasty. When he has to lift a finger around the house he bitches and yells the whole time. (I try to do it just so he doesn't yell)

I am so tired of it! Sometimes we just have more fun when he is not around.

He calls me 10 times a day from work. Gets pissed off when were out doing something "fun" or just our running errands My family hates him. His brother won't even come to our house when he is here. He was physically abusive once in front of my daughter. He is a dry drunk.

A: I think my best suggestion for you would be to read your own letter over and over and over until you realize that this is your reality, this is your relationship, and it really is this bad! (Anyone who lives in such a bad relationship for a long time sort of gets used to it... and if one day is a little bit better they tend to believe things aren't so bad, and then the next day comes and they have to face, again, that it is real, that it is this bad, etc.)

You said that he got physically abusive once in front of your daughter. Since you phrased it this way I am going to assume that he has also been physically abusive at other times when nobody was there to see it. That's horrible!

In such a relationship there are two people with big problems.

His abusiveness is his problem.

The fact that you take such mistreatment is your problem.

Both of these are definitely therapy issues.

You don't mention if you are in therapy or if you ever have been. You need therapy now to find out why you have thought so little of yourself that you have allowed yourself to be treated this way for so long.

By writing to me you have acknowledged that you need to talk to a therapist. Now please call to make an appointment with a good local therapist who you can see in person.

Stop waiting and hoping that he will change. Focus on your own changes instead.

Maybe, if you stay with him, he will eventually see your changes and want therapy for himself. Maybe, but probably not.

Regardless, your life is Your life. Get the help you need.

GRANDMA WAS KILLED

Q: Since my Grandma was killed, I've been clinging to my mom.

Yesterday she asked for some space. I obliged, but I've started crying (over her and Grandma) whenever I'm alone.

Why do I feel like I've started the grieving process all over? Why do I only cry alone?

A: You have a lot of very good questions here. But really you should be talking to a good local therapist about these things.

Your questions indicate severe current stress and maybe some other related problems in your relationships with family.

You don't say how your Grandma was killed, but just using that word "killed" indicates violence.

Your mother's need for space may be appropriate, but she and you both need more than each other at times like this.

Crying alone does bring relief, but Only crying alone shows that you don't feel a lot of emotional support from friends and other relatives besides your mom.

These are very serious matters that need a professional's help.

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time. Please don't keep going through it all alone, OK? (You might want to read "Are You Considering Therapy?" at my site for some ideas.)

I wish you and your mother the very best!