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I sometimes answer brief questions (50 words or less) at no charge.

Telephone counseling is also sometimes available.
(Write first to ask if I have openings.)

Learn more about these options here:
Write to Tony

Here are some of the brief questions I have received
since "Ask Tony" started in September, 2002.

New letters appear at the top of this page.

Real names and identifying information are never shown.
Otherwise, letters are essentially as written.

TALKS TO HIMSELF

Q: I talk to myself out-loud. I do not talk loud, I just whisper or mumble to myself when pondering a problem or issue. My wife thinks that I have mental problems and this is a symptom. What do you think?

A: The good news is that this doesn't prove you have mental problems!

The bad news is that this doesn't prove that you don't either!

We all talk to ourselves internally... and most of us do some of it out loud, especially when we are alone or with people who understand us and accept us. I hope your wife is only teasing you about this and she does accept you as you are.

If your wife is even a little bit serious about calling you crazy, tell her to stop it... and ask her to tell you what she wants from you instead of calling you names.

DEPENDENT FAMILY

Q: My 45 year old brother still lives with our parents and shows no interest of ever leaving. He has no social life & never dates. He has fear of change, failure, answering the phone or door & probably OCD, but refuses to seek help. My parents enable him, even though I know they wish he would desire more out of life.

He contributes financially, and they say this makes him a responsible adult, even though he is emotionally still very dependent. My parents also rely on him to drive them, as they do not have a car. No car payment frees up more gambling money for my dad, who is addicted. Mom never learned to drive. This gives my brother a position of power over them.

I think their dependence is unhealthy for all of them, but they get mad at me for telling them so. I am married with children, but I find visits with them way too depressing.

We all pretend everything is normal. Is there any way that they will change?

A: They may change, of course. But there probably isn't anything you can do to make their changes happen.

The word "enmeshed" is usually used to describe this kind of extremely dependent family. They've worked out unique ways to get their basic needs taken care of without anyone "having to" grow up emotionally. (You might want to read "Are You Emotionally Grown?")

I suggest that you focus on your own life, and discard any sense of obligation you might feel toward your parents and brother.

If you ever want to visit or want to offer help of any kind, you could do that of course. But don't do anything you don't truly want to do, especially if any of them try to make you feel guilty or ashamed in order to get you to do for them. And don't expect them to change as a result of your efforts.

Your parents and your brother show no signs of even wanting to change their arrangement. You, since you have your own family, have broken the dependency pattern to an important degree.

Focus on yourself and your current life. Be proud of yourself for breaking this cycle, and be careful about instilling any degree of this dependency on your own children.

ADDICTED MOTHER OF SEVEN YEAR OLD

Q: My sister, who lives 1000 miles away, visited me, got drunk, and confided that she's an alcoholic (has tried AA but not now), is cheating on her husband with 2 men, tried crack recently, drives drunk, and has no friends. She has a 7 year old son. I told our parents and brother to garner support for her. Now she's furious with me and won't talk to any of us about it. What do we do now?

A: What you do now is protect that seven year old from his mother, regardless of all other factors. Since the child's physical safety is greatly compromised (by the drinking and driving for sure, and probably by various other dangers), you might even need to go to local authorities for the child's protection.

You and your family should probably talk to a therapist who is experienced at working with families and with addictions.

In these situations it's common for the addicted family member to hate their addiction, but also to be extremely angry at anyone who forces them to see the truth about how their life is going. They might attempt to get family members "on their side" against other family members, etc. To deal with this, each person in the family needs to have clear priorities, and focus on them rather exclusively.

I'm suggesting that protection of the child should be your number one priority. Some others in the family might think that supporting the mother is their first priority. Others might want "peace in the family" as their first priority. Still others might want no priorities at all and basically take the position that everything is hopeless so there's nothing for them to do!

A good start would be to call your local Family Services Agency and tell them what you told me. They have offices in all larger cities. You could also call any psychiatric hospital or addiction treatment facility.

I certainly do appreciate your concern and I wish the boy, the mother, you, and everyone else the very best.

CONTINUES SEX AFTER WIFE SAYS STOP

Q: My wife has become a frigid prune in bed. When talking doesn't help and sex life has just about died is divorcing a good thing to do? Before we married she sucked my dick & & fucked a lot now I have to almost beg. The other night she started and wanted to just stop and leave me in the lurch so I just held her and continued

A: If she wanted to stop, you should have stopped. If you don't, this can feel like rape to her!

This letter seems to indicate that you think you "own" your wife. Maybe that's one of the reasons she isn't interested in sex. Sex is supposed to be Play and Fun, not something deadly serious.

I suggest that you either go to couple's counseling together, or that you see a therapist alone or together. A therapist who is wise about sex would be best (sex therapists).

Divorce is one option. Yes. But you would both carry the same problems you've had in this relationship into the next one. If there's violence in this relationship and there are good reasons for your wife or you to be afraid, then I'd definitely suggest a divorce or at least a time of being apart while such dangerous things get dealt with and stopped.

SEXUALLY ABUSED AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSED

Q: I'm 28. My brother raped me when I was 10. He kept begging for sex and I finally said yes. He got a lecture. I got deeply shamed by parents, the gynecologist, and the 'therapist.' How can I not have to deal with that experience anymore? I can't afford therapy or 'therapists'.

A: First of all I want to say I'm so sorry you were treated this way by all these people, and especially by a member of my profession as well. I do know that people who were sexually abused were very poorly treated in the past. It's a blight on our profession that we took it so lightly back then. It wasn't until around 1990 or so, and the publication of the book "The Courage To Heal," before we realized the extent to which sexual abuse hurt people.

I remember myself, that I tended to think of it back the as important factor that hurt adult sexual functioning, but I had no idea about suppressed memories, flashbacks, and the ongoing degree of pain.

Please accept my apology for what it's worth, and please understand also that most therapists now are far wiser about sexual abuse, and we have many more ways to help.

Also, money problems don't have to stop you from getting therapy. Please read the topic at my site "Are You Considering Therapy?" for ideas about getting help when you can't afford to pay.

And remember that you may have to "shop" a bit among various therapists before you find the right one for you. This is wise for anyone, and it might be especially important since you had such bad experiences in the past with a "therapist." Please don't let your completely understandable anger at the therapist back then stop you from getting the help you need and deserve.

DRUNK AND MEAN HUSBAND

Q: My husband is an alcoholic. Although he openly admits he is an alcoholic, he says that he likes to drink and he doesn't want to stop. The problem is when he is drunk which is everyday, he becomes mean and verbally abusive. Should I stay and try to help him or leave?

A: You should base your decision on how you are treated. Period.

Whether he's an alcoholic, whether he admits it or denies it, whether he's dry today or not... none of these things matter. What matters is how you are treated.

If you just keep saying to yourself each day "I am accepting the way he's treating me right now" you will probably be able to make your decision quite soon.

There are, of course, many kinds of therapy and counseling available for you, and for your husband, and I hope you have taken advantage of them or that you will now. But how much you value yourself, and how much mistreatment you will accept... these are the central questions that only you can answer.

PASSIVE AND CONTROLLING COUPLE

Q: I'm wondering what you mean by the passive one always "wins." [Comment on topic: "Couples: Passive and Controlling Partners"] I don't see how anyone wins in this type of relationship.

I am the controller and he is passive aggressive. I'm sure we will get a divorce as he wont sleep with me at all and yawns at my advances. If you could elaborate it would be most helpful. Thank you.

A: I think the quotation marks on "wins" are what matters here. I'm saying that in the battle between one person who keeps insisting on things her way and another person who keeps on being a immovable donkey, the immovable donkey is the most powerful. If both people play their parts intensely, the passive person makes everything grind to a standstill and the controlling person eventually gives up.

You don't mention if you've done the "Relationship Analysis" at my site, but I'd suggest it. If you do this analysis, remember that it only rates the amount of GOOD things in the relationship, so you could expect a quite low score. The scoring, however, isn't the valuable part of the analysis. The advice after you are finished with the scoring is what I think will be interesting for you.

I strongly suggest couple's counseling and/or individual therapy, even if only one of you are willing. Remember, either person can always find someone else to try to control or be passive with... and this needs to change in each person before the chances of a successful relationship with anyone can improve. (I'm assuming from your question that the power struggle in your relationship is quite severe. Since I only base this on these few words you typed on a particular day, I know that assumption could be wrong.)

I sincerely hope both of you will decide to change.

And remember that the process of change through therapy can even be very enjoyable much of the time! (People seem to think therapy is always painful...)

DEPRESSED 50 YEARS

Q: I am a 50 year old woman who has been depressed most of my 50 years. The problem is that I know why I'm depressed but I can't stop it. I've seen doctors but they can't help. You see, I know what's wrong and who caused it, or what caused it, so doctors can't help me. The ones I have gone to just wanted to give me pills. Never a real help.

I don't like myself and I don't know how to. Lots of things have gone wrong in my life and now I'm 50 and never enjoyed this life and I want to very much before I leave it. But my depression is so deep, to the bone, and it keeps coming on me every 3-4 days. So it's an ongoing fight. I'm tired, so tired. I need so long peace before I leave this world. What can I do?

A: First of all, you only mention doctors and you don't mention therapists. And yet, in this letter, you are showing that you want to talk about all of this with someone. You need a therapist to sit down with and talk all this over. Since you know what the depression is about, you can talk about how to deal with it in very concrete terms.

Doctors tend to prescribe medication. And medication only helps a bit usually. The American Medical Association recommendation for depression is both medication and psychotherapy. Many doctors don't make needed referrals for the therapy.

Did you read "Are You Considering Therapy?" at my site? Also, did you read the topics related to depression, and anger, and sadness? I'd suggest them. But mostly I'd suggest calling a good therapist.

Consider this letter as your first step toward therapy, OK?

HUSBAND WANTS TOO MUCH ATTENTION

Q: My husband asks for my undivided attention constantly. He wants me to "stroke" him by telling him all the ways he is so wonderful. He wants me to do this until he falls asleep at night, (every night) and in the evenings while I rub his feet. I feel drained and then guilty. Is this normal ?

A: Has he always needed so much reinforcement of your love for him? Did he start to do a whole lot more of this at a certain point, maybe after a major setback in your relationship or in some other part of his life?

He certainly does seem to be very insecure. He seems to be asking you to prove that you love him by listing everything you like about him.

I don't know if you'll be showing him this letter, but here's what I'd say to him directly:
"People either love you as you are or they don't. Any love that matters is for the *whole* person, not for the specific things you do or don't do. When you ask your wife to tell you what she loves about you, you are setting yourself up for disappointment, because you are not perfect and never can be. So if she says you are intelligent you might wonder if she thinks you are 'intelligent enough.' And if she says you are good looking you can still wonder if you are better looking than some other man. People who need so much reassurance usually have a deep down feeling of worthlessness or shame or guilt. These are *your* problems to solve, through talking with a good therapist.
If your wife works 24/7 at trying to convince you that everything you do is wonderful, it won't be enough. There's something deeper going on here, and I bet you've had these insecurities long before you even met your wife. It is SO painful to have so much self-doubt. Please get some good help. Know that you are worth it!"

What confuses me about your letter is that this is such a dependent relationship, and I know that dependency is always a two-way thing. Have you become less dependent recently? Was your husband's dependency OK with you in the past but it's not so OK for you now? (And then maybe he felt this so he escalated his demands?) At some point, one partner in dependent relationships moves from being dependent into feeling independent. Did this happen in your life recently?

I do think that you need to face that you have greatly reinforced your husband's dependency in the past, and that there must have been some ways that you got your own dependency needs met by him in return. And since his insecurity is so strong, yours must also have been very strong.

I definitely think you will need to tell your husband that all of the verbal strokes he wants has to stop. If you love him, tell him that you do love him just the way he is and that it's up to him to believe you or not - but you will never be able to convince him that your love is real by bombarding him with strokes for his behaviors.

Tell him also that kisses and hugs and snuggling of all kinds (including foot rubs) will always show more love and acceptance than all the words in the world - but it's up to him to *absorb* and *believe* your love. And that if he doesn't do this, that's for him and his therapist to work out. There's nothing more you can do about it.

Bottom line: Do *only* what you *want* to do that shows your love. If you rub his feet when you really don't want to, the message he receives is that you don't want him! So it does neither of you any good.

Just do what you want, and face that it's up to him to decide if he's loved.

More Letters

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Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

Tony Schirtzinger, Therapist (Milwaukee, WI) 

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