SELF-Therapy: Questions and Answers #8

I sometimes answer brief questions (50 words or less) at no charge.

Telephone counsling is also sometimes available.
(Write first to ask if I have openings.)

Learn more about these options here:
Write to Tony

Here are some of the brief questions I have received
since "Ask Tony" started in September, 2002.
New letters appear at the top.

Real names and identifying information are never shown.
Otherwise, letters are essentially as written.

Q: I enjoyed the two topics about "Shame" at your site. I am engaged to someone who I believe suffers greatly from being ashamed and these articles describe her. However, she has never described herself as ashamed.

I have a question: it is challenging and often difficult to manage in this relationship because I feel I can't be completely honest about things I'm unhappy about or disagree on since those discussions always become more about her self worth than about the thing we disagree on. What advice do you have for being helpful to her yet standing up when I think I need to?

A; The corny phrase from an old song comes to mind: "The way to handle a woman is to love her."

You can show her you love her without trying to help her with her shame.

You can show her you love her while putting yourself first and asking clearly and directly for what you want.

You can show her you love her while listening to some amount of her demeaning self-talk, and also by reminding her of the initial topic (what you want) and asking her to go back to that topic.

You can show her you love her by showing her the topics at my site about shame and self-worth and depression, and telling her that you think she could use some support and professional advice from a good therapist.

And if she feels enough love from you and others, and gets enough help from a good therapist, the shame will be replaced by a feeling of self-worth eventually, although it can take some time and it will require some patience from both of you.

Q: Enjoyed page on controlling people. I am one and I am dating a woman who is also. I just ended a marriage with a passive-aggressive person. I really resent Ms. New giving me advice, and I work to limit my own advice giving. Is there any hope for this new relationship?

A: Well, since relationships in which both people are controlling are so common in our culture, there is plenty of hope that the relationship will survive. The question is how good of a relationship will it be eve if it does survive.

You and the woman you are dating both need to learn to overcome your fears of abandonment (focusing on if the relationship will last...) and instead learn to focus on caring about what the other person wants, communicating your own wants clearly, and effective problem-solving. All of these factors are more about how good the relationship is while it lasts, and that's far more important than how the relationship will end.

I'd suggest that you attend some of the excellent couple's workshops offered by social service agencies, individual therapists, and some churches. They usually focus on communication and cooperation. If she isn't willing to attend, contact the leaders of these programs and ask them about attending on your own or acquiring the same skills in some other way.

Q: Dive been in this relationship for 7 years We've been through it all: lies, stealing, drugs, and finally cheating on me. We are married but separated. Six months, no contact. I finally saw him again, two days ago, he found me. We talked, he wants to keep our marriage, he says he still loves me. I'm scared. I still love him.

Everyone says run, fast and far. How do I get over the anger and being scared?

A: Your last two statements answer your own question rather well: If you "run, fast and far" you can eventually "get over the anger and being scared." And if you don't get away from him, you can't.

Of course you should stay away from anyone who hurt you so much!

Often people stay with people who mistreat them so much because they've always had a lot of anger and fear - even before they met this person - and they don't understand this about themselves. By being around someone like that, your feelings can make more sense to you. You can see that your fears are very reasonable, and he can even give you the bonus of being an excellent target for all that stored up anger!

You say you love him but that's irrelevant compared to how dependent you are on him. You simply don't have enough good people in your life, so someone with his problems looks good to you! You need more good friends and enough confidence to attract good men. You need to change a whole lot about your style of life.

You absolutely need to look at your own issues. And it is very likely that you either have a lot of self hate, or a lot of unresolved feelings from earlier mistreatment, or both. You've written to me, so you know you need to talk to a therapist. Please do find one, and talk with them regularly for a while. Don't focus on how long it takes, focus on how much your life is improving as you face the things you fear.

Make a vow that you are going to change your opinion of yourself, release your anger and fear, and adopt a healthier lifestyle.

Q: I was sexually abused by my grandfather. Although I've always known about it, I have no memories of it - just physical reactions to things now. What are some different things I can do to help to remember?

A: First of all I just want to say I'm sorry such a thing happened to you.... I know how difficult it is...

You don't mention whether you are in therapy or not. You certainly shouldn't try to deal with this without a good therapist.

I'd suggest that you read "The Courage To Heal." It's considered sort of the "bible" of sexual abuse healing. There are two books, one is the basic book and the other is the workbook. I'm not familiar with the workbook, so I'm not recommending it particularly, but the basic book is really excellent. I tell people to read it slowly, "with your heart"....

Q: My boyfriend and I were playfully wrestling on the floor; he got rough, pinned me down, & pressured me for sex. I said no but he held me down until finally I submitted. My first time and it was horrible. But was it rape? I didn't stop him, so I deserved it. I am 17 years old.

A: I don't usually respond to letters from people under 18, but I do want to answer yours by saying, yes, this does appear to be rape. "He held me down until I finally submitted" shows he used force to make the sex happen. And when you say you "didn't stop him" you are saying that although you tried to stop him, it just didn't work. All you can do is try! You did! You are Not responsible for His actions!

Talk this over with your parents if you can, or with a school counselor, or with a therapist, or with the adult you trust the most whoever that may be. You do need to talk to someone about this.

If you don't know who to talk to, you can definitely call the nearest Family Service Agency and ask for an appointment and tell them what you've told me. They are well-trained to handle things like this.

This is a Very Serious matter. Please don't try to deal with it all alone!

Q: I really enjoy my therapist, she has helped me so much, but I wonder is this healthy? Being excited about seeing her? Thinking about her in between sessions? Worried about becoming too dependent on her? Sad about the day when we don't see each other anymore? It's almost like God playing a cruel trick on me.

A: What's the problem? You like your therapist, she is helping you, and you look forward to seeing her. That's all good stuff, isn't it? A certain amount of dependency is part of treatment, and you are supposed to think about her between meetings.

Do you think you don't deserve good people in your life? Do you fear that you will suddenly lose your therapist, rather than only leave her when you choose to end the therapy?

Just focus on what you want while you are with your therapist, rather than on what she wants, OK? If you are "too" dependent, you might find yourself trying to please your therapist rather than telling the full truth for fear of disappointing her.

Your last line concerns me, however. I don't understand about the "cruel trick" from God. My guess is that you are fearing abandonment, and that instead of just being glad you have a good person in your life for a while, you are focused on when it will end. Remember that all relationships end, and the end doesn't matter very much at all compared to what happens During the relationship.

Keep getting what you enjoy from your therapist and talk all this over with her in a very direct way. (It might be good to actually show her this letter and then discuss it together.)

Q: I've been seeing a therapist for chronic depression and fear of failure issues. He believes that I was either abused as a child or had some traumatic event as a child. I have absolutely no recollection of any such event, and I'm scared to even think about the possibility. Should I even consider this as a possibility if I have only good childhood memories?

Your web site has been helpful in answering many questions, and if you think it would be helpful I'm also willing to talk with you by phone.

A: First of all, I'd be happy to talk with you by phone but you'd need to get your therapist's approval first. He might be reasonably concerned that having too many therapists could confuse you more than help you.

Since I don't know any more about you than these few lines, I sure don't know whether you should or shouldn't search your memory for possible childhood trauma. You do concern me, however, with the statement: "I have only good childhood memories." I've never met anyone who could honestly say that, so I've got to wonder if you might have been telling yourself this over and over for so long that you've come to believe it!

Childhood is a difficult time, for everyone.

And therapists believe that our personality gets formed in childhood, and that most adult personality problems (like chronic depression) come from things that happened in childhood which led you to make certain decisions way too early, before you were fully wise enough to make them.

An example: Suppose you tried to play baseball once and got hit in the head by an errant ball, causing much blood to flow. If you were young enough, your terror as you saw all that blood might have led you to any number of bad decisions like: "I hate baseball" or "I'm no good at sports" or even "I always get hurt no matter what I try to do"!

Each such decision would seem completely reasonable to the terrorized child, and the intensity of the trauma (the blood, in this case) might make you believe in your bad decision very deeply, and long into adulthood. This would still be true even after you've totally forgotten the incident that caused the decision in the first place.

Basically, I'd say that if you like your therapist and they seem competent and a good match for you, you would be wise to continue with them and trust that they are doing their best. (Our best is like yours: It's not guaranteed to be correct, although it usually is.)

Glad you enjoy the info at my site! Hope you'll keep on reading and enjoying what you find there.

Q: Occasionally I become so angry at my boyfriend, I can feel the anger swell up from the pit of my stomach and I become cold and hateful. I will say hurtful things and feel the anger within me. Normally I am loving and sweet. Any insight to this?

A: Do you feel angry after he has hurt you in some direct way? If so, good for you! If not, read on.

If you feel angry when he is not hurting you in any way, what, specifically does happen right before you feel the anger? Whatever happens just before you feel this way is what I call the "trigger moment" (because it "triggers" the apparently irrational feeling).

Look closely at these trigger moments and ask yourself what happened in your life to make these moments seem hurtful or scary to you, even though, as an adult, you know they shouldn't be seen that way.

Here's a corny example: Suppose you keep looking at these trigger moments for a while and you find that they always involve him touching or looking at your hair. When you have time to think about it, you remember that earlier in your life some adult would touch your hair just before they ridiculed you, or just before they hurt you in some other way. To you, when your boyfriend touches your hair you feel "sure" that he is about to do this same nasty thing, so you see yourself as "striking back" at him even before anything bad happens to you!

When you find the trigger moments and make the connection to earlier life events, the whole problem might disappear.

Even if it doesn't disappear after a couple of months or so, you can make an appointment with a therapist and walk into their office armed with detailed information about what you need to work on with them.

Q: What's going on when a stranger befriends you (a very lonely, depressed person) and explicitly invites you to share all your problems, does their best to help you (because they had been helped in their own depression) ,and seems to acknowledge your efforts to reciprocate by insisting that you are a wonderful friend and you'll have even more to give when you find yourself but later they decide it's too much and that YOU sucked them into your dark world, so they disappear from your life without explaining or giving you a chance to defend and redeem yourself?

A: "What's going on" is a good question, and I sure don't know for sure what the answer is in your specific situation.

What's usually going on, however, is that the person who offers to help to such a great degree is someone who ignores their own feelings and lives off of the accolades they get from the other person. This person is called the "Rescuer."

The other person (you, in this case?) is usually someone who is very much in touch with their own feelings but not very much in touch with other people's feelings, so they keep asking for more and more without being able to pick up the clues that the other person needs them to tone down for a while. This person is called the "Victim."

Eventually, when the Rescuer feels they can't escape the demands of the Victim, they turn verbally mean and rejecting. At this point they are called the "Persecutor."

In these relationships, people often switch roles. The person who is usually the Rescuer becomes the Victim, and the person who is usually the Victim becomes the Rescuer or the Persecutor, etc.

I said all that because you asked "what's going on"... but I don't expect what I've said so far to be of much real help for you. Maybe you'll recognize these patterns in this relationship and maybe even in others, but it won't help much to just recognize them.

What will help, however, is having a therapist who "invites you to share all your problems, and does their best to help you." In this culture, therapists are the only people assigned to serve such a role. Friends can be supportive and helpful on a hit-and-miss basis, but they can't be counted on to be available regularly enough, or to be well-trained enough to be able to offer sound advice about these things.

Please find a good therapist and use your friends as "playmates" who only occasionally talk about your emotional pain or their own. The rest of the time (95%?), friends and relatives are there simply to be enjoyed. They are not supposed to be "helpers" in any meaningful way.

If you can't afford therapy, you can check with your local Mental Health Association or call your local Family Therapy Agency. They offer therapy on a "sliding scale based on ability to pay." If you can afford therapy, and you find the therapist who is right for you, it's the best investment you can make.

Q: I am devastated with my girlfriend breaking up with me. We were so happy and now she doesn't want to try anymore. Ever since she moved out of her house and in with some girlfriends she's changed. I feel as if she is only trying because she feels pity for me. After two years I don't know if I can be without her.

A: What do you mean "I don't know if I can be without her"? What will you do if you do lose her?

If you feel so desperate that you really believe you won't make it without her, that's a far bigger problem than whether this particular relationship works out or doesn't. (And if that level of desperation was evident in the relationship, that might have felt like a real burden to her...)

If you really think you can't make it without her, please see a therapist. In our culture therapists are the people who are assigned to help when we feel desperate. Friends and lovers can lend support, but therapists can actually help you to change so you don't feel so horrible at such times.

If you didn't mean to sound so desperate, I'm afraid all I can tell you is that we all feel devastate when we lose a love, and yet somehow we all make it through and end up with another - usually far better - relationship.

Of course, you might be misreading her signs and imagining more rejection than there actually is. Her move and her need to form new relationships with the people she's living with is a huge adjustment for her. She's bound to be somewhat preoccupied with all that... If you think you might be wrong about her being far less interested, just give the relationship more time and give her more space while you do.

Q: Hello. Quick question. I had a bad experience at eight and I just started trying therapy because my husband and I were going to a marriage counselor. I have been fine but now I feel messed up. Should I keep going? I hate it.

A: I guess it depends on what you hate about it.... but, yes, you should definitely continue either with this therapist or with another therapist if something that happened at eight is getting in your way in adult life.

As I guess you just found out, the adult problems caused by a past event will continue to sort of haunt your adult life until you get them fixed. That's just the way it works.

If you decide not to continue therapy that is the same as deciding to keep the problems that were caused by the event at eight.

I don't think this is what you wanted to hear, but....

Q: I have been having counseling for about six months and have come to the point where she feels I no longer need it. I have talked about major issues in my life until I can talk no more, but I still seem to be so angry and depressed, yet when I am with the counselor I seem to be OK. I don't know where to go from here. I have low self esteem and I am still carrying a lot of anger inside me, which mostly gets directed at my children. I am a single working parent.

A: Depression is a way we try to cover up our anger.

So when we start to feel angry, that's actually a good thing - because it means we are facing what we really feel rather than picking on ourselves instead!

The problem isn't the fact that you feel angry, it's how you decide to use the anger once you feel it. Talk with your therapist about how to USE your anger when you begin to feel it. And tell her, in detail, how you have been using your anger with your children and in all other ways.

One thing to consider: Sometimes therapists are under orders from an insurance company or someone else to stop therapy too early. In these situations they sometimes try to convince themselves that people are finished before they actually are. If you think your therapist is doing this, tell her so.

Bottom line: Don't confuse the feeling of anger with what you DO with the anger. Whether you are in therapy or not, you are responsible for how you choose to use your anger. (Some people kill when they are angry. Some people yell it out in a car with the windows rolled up. Some people pick on their spouses or coworkers. The feeling doesn't "make" us do any specific thing. We choose how we use our anger.)

It is possible that your parents used their anger on you, and therefore you feel justified in using your own anger on children too. If so, you need to be sure not to follow their bad example and learn other more effective ways to use your anger. (I also wonder if you might have had cruel parents due to the fact that you feel better in the therapist's office but it doesn't last. Maybe you get doses of the "good parenting" you needed as a child while you are with the therapist, and then you miss it when you leave her....)

You are wise to know that you still need therapy. Insist on it with your therapist.

Q: My 12 yr. old calls his 9 yr. old brother names when feeling annoyed with him. My visiting mother voices her disapproval to him, which makes me feel defensive over my son, even though he is wrong. Do you think it is her place to say anything to him?

A: I think if she thinks something is a big enough deal she should talk with you privately about it. Then, if you agree with her, you could follow her advice after she leaves when the child repeats the problem behavior.

I also think that every 12 year old calls his 9 year old brother names. In the best families, the children do it openly and in front of the adults, because they feel safe enough that they don't have to hide their disagreements.

I'd also want to talk with the 9 year old about how to protect himself, when he needs to talk to adults and when he can handle things on his own, etc.

Have you discussed these things with your mother? Did you say something like: "Talk to me alone about things if you think there's a problem, but remember I'm the mother here."

Basically, I just want to say "Congratulations on having a good, normal family!"

Q's and A's