SELF-Therapy: Questions and Answers #10

I sometimes answer brief questions (50 words or less) at no charge.

Telephone counsling is also sometimes available.
(Write first to ask if I have openings.)

Learn more about these options here:
Write to Tony

Here are some of the brief questions I have received
since "Ask Tony" started in September, 2002.
New letters appear at the top.

Real names and identifying information are never shown.
Otherwise, letters are essentially as written.

DO WE NEED CLOSENESS?

Q: You often mention how getting love and attention is so important for everyone... yet some people are perfectly comfortable being self reliant and don't want close relationships... If dismissiveness works fine for some, should (and could) anxious, lonely people also persuade themselves that they don't need intimate relationships to be happy?

A: We can convince ourselves of just about anything. Concentrate on it long enough and you can believe you are sitting on Mars. But being convinced of something doesn't make it so!

We don't need one close, intimate relationship. We do need enough attention from all sources, however. If we don't get it, we end up lonely. We also don't get enough feedback to stop us from going around in the same old boring and psychologically damaging circles mentally. Too much of this and we can become very depressed, or even worse.

STARTING OVER

Q: I was very impressed with your response to a grieving woman. I want to know what you would advice a person to do about going into another relationship after her recent lost loved one. If the grieving process is over... and the person is ready to begin a new but is so guarded from her recent occurrence?

A: I don't mean to dodge your question, but I'd need to know so much more about the phrase "but is so guarded"...

That phrase could mean relatively slight emotions, very intense emotions, and everything in between. It could mean sadness, anger, scare, shame, guilt... even joy and excitement that she somehow feels uncomfortable about... And the big question would be "when does she feel this guardedness"... when she just thinks about maybe starting anew, when she's attracted to someone, when they are together, when they are making love... etc.?

Most importantly: Did she really finish grieving? Does she acknowledge that it's a permanent loss, except for the memories. (She doesn't need to finish grieving to have short-term relationships and encounters, but she does need to finish grieving before she is ready for a new commitment.)

Of course the overall answer is that she should forge ahead into a new life, and a new love. But what she's going through right now matters so much.

Hope this helps!

FLIRTS AND REJECTS

Q: Why do guys think that just because you dance with them, they have a right to your phone number? I like to go to clubs by myself, dance it all out, hang with my friends, and go home alone. Seems like no matter how many years now I do this, there are always plenty of these guys.

Some of my friends say it's because I act it up, looking very confident and sexy like. Well, I don't dress for anybody but myself. I like to look and act sexy, it is me. That doesn't mean I want uninvited attention. Worse, if you see them again next time, they're all mad-like, like you did something wrong cause you didn't worship them.

A: What's wrong with someone wanting you? For that matter, what's wrong with someone wanting you sexually?

You are flirting and retreating, over and over. I wonder if the men you are referring to are "all mad-like" when they meet you again, or if they just feel rejected and don't know how to respond after the rejection.

There's a psychological game analyzed by Dr. Eric Berne long ago called "What kind of a girl do you think I am?" It's about someone, usually a woman but not always, who flirts very openly but when the other person wants more she slaps their face and says: "What kind of a girl do you think I am?" The woman then walks away with her view of the world confirmed, saying "See, nobody likes me for who I am. Everyone only wants to use me."

People who play this game usually had bad experiences, even in childhood, in which they were used but otherwise ignored. If you had experiences of this kind, please realize that the people who treated you this way are totally responsible for what they did. But all the rest of us are not.

And if you need help overcoming such bad experiences, get it! It will improve your life in every way, especially in terms of intimate relationships.

You want closeness and love and sex just as much as anyone else. Don't let past experiences rob you of these.

FRIEND'S DRINKING PROBLEM

Q: I have a friend who I know has a drinking problem. He has left home and his parents are worried about him. He's 21. They called me after he was gone for the first week but I hadn't heard from him.

I have now and see him a couple times a week. He is living here and there. No real home and drinking a lot. He told me not to call his parents but I feel I should. He needs help. Would I be a bad friend if I called?

A: I think that since he is an adult you probably shouldn't tell his parents. It's tough on them to be worried about him, but it's up to him to decide whether to contact them and about what.

I think you'd be very wise to tell him that you know he has a drinking problem, and you are extremely concerned about him, and you'd like him to go with you to an appointment with an alcohol counselor. I suggest you go with him so that the reasons you have for thinking he has a problem get clearly stated to the counselor.

You can find a counselor by calling a Family Service Agency in a larger town near you. You might also want to read "Are You Considering a Therapist" at my site.

If it would help, you might show your friend that you wrote to me and tell him what I said...

I'm glad you care so much about your friend! He's lucky to have you.

Q: My wife says I touch her too much. How can I fight this feeling of always wanting to be close to her? It makes her angry and always leads to an argument. I give her too much attention, and I feel she doesn�t give me enough?

A: We all need touch and we all need attention, but I can't tell from your letter if you have a problem of needing it too much, if she has a problem of fearing it too much, both, or if neither of you has a problem but you are just different in the amount of tough and attention you need from each other.

The fact that it always leads to an argument, however, is a big clue. Makes me think one or both of you do have a problem here.

I suggest that you read the topics at my site related to love, relationships, sex, dependency, abuse, etc. See if you can do some investigating about the problems on your side. Then, if you get some new ideas, share them with her.

If your ideas help to resolve things somewhat, she might want to read more topics herself to help her resolve her part in this problem.

Since touch and love are immensely important to all of us, the thinking you are doing about it is well worth the effort.

Q:My wife and I are on the brink of divorce. She is pushing away all those close to her and I think it's because of her deep seated fears and anger. What sort of therapy might be helpful for her. Thank you. ==

A: There are various kinds of therapy, each of which might help. I'm "cognitive," myself, so of course that's what I'd recommend.

The best way to start for someone who is hurting a lot emotionally would probably be to call a psychiatrist for an appointment. The psychiatrist would evaluate her to see if medication would help, and any good psychiatrist would also recommend individual therapy along with any medication.

The psychiatrist could probably make a referral to a weekly therapist, although there are other good (even better?) ways to pick a therapist.

I'd suggest you and your wife read "Are You Considering Therapy" at my site as well as "Clients and Success In Therapy" and all other topics related to anger, depression, fear, etc.... and any other topics that you or she find interesting.

Q: I think I am being mentally abused. My husband always makes degrading remarks to me. He gets really irritated at my daughter (his step daughter) and her little dog because it barks to go outside. It's a Maltese and chats how it communicates. He says things like it would be better as a statue in the yard (as in dead). When I get upset about this he tells me I'm a flake. This is just one example of the things he's done in the past 8 years. We live in fear.

A: I think you are being emotionally abused too, of course. But what have you done about it so far, and what are you going to do about it in the future?

You need to have a look at a whole lot of things about yourself before things can get better for you.
Was he emotionally abusive before you married?
Why did you choose him?
What have you done about it since it started?
Do you only ask him to stop, knowing that he always goes back to being abusive?

Have you gone to marriage counseling, or, if he refuses, have you gone to a therapist yourself to learn the part you play in allowing yourself to be treated in such horrible ways? (In therapy, you may learn that you were demeaned a lot in childhood, so you came to think of this is "normal" or "just the way men are" or something like that.)

I'm sorry if it seems that I'm putting all of the responsibility for HIS behavior on you, but he didn't write to me - and from the way you describe him I'd bet he wouldn't care what I have to say anyway.

Big changes are definitely needed, and if he refuses to make them you will have to make them yourself.

Q: My daughter-in-law (after threatening to do so and being told that it would upset me) hung a motorcycle ornament on my Christmas tree (angels). My son asked if I liked the "joke". I said no. He got mad, said I couldn't take a joke, stormed out, etc.

A: Seems this is a matter of lifestyle, in a lot of different ways. They are goading you into being disapproving of them.

If they are rather young, this is just part of being a teenager and young adult. Kids need to separate themselves from their parents' values and make decisions on their own. In families that are more controlling, this can be very difficult - so they need to take stronger and stronger measures to "shock" their parents to prove that they are really on their own and making their own decisions. (They are trying to prove this to themselves, not to you.... So they are the ones with the big doubts about it, regardless of what you think about whether you are letting go or not...)

If they aren't so young, they need to grow up emotionally. You might check out the topic at my site about this: "Growing Up Emotionally" to understand their situation better. If they drink heavily or use drugs, this can prolong their adolescence indefinitely. And if this is the situation, you may need to protect yourself from them by insisting that they respect your property (the tree) and, if necessary, by not even spending time with them.

Try to let go of them as completely as you can, while still enjoying their company as often or as seldom as you like - based on how they treat you.

Q: You always hear about how all males masturbate, but I was wondering what percent of females masturbate? And why is it that guys tend to be more honest about saying they masturbate? If you can answer, I thank you.

A: Therapists aren't experts on masturbation statistics, so all I can say is that I've heard that about 50% of women masturbate regularly (and I don't remember where I heard it, how "regularly" was defined, whether this included people in a sexual relationship, etc.).

And my own experience doesn't agree with yours. I don't think men are more honest about it. I've found that most everyone is honest about it - if there is a good reason to ask based on the needs of the person being asked (for instance, if someone is working on sexual issues in therapy).

What matters to me about your question is the very basic question of privacy. If you would have written to me and asked me if I masturbate, I would have refused to answer simply because masturbation and sexual acts of all kind are private for the person or persons involved. You wouldn't have "a good reason to ask based on the needs of the person being asked."

Q: A man I am dating demands I lose some weight to be able to proceed with a deeper involvement. I am bit hurt by this request, but I do like him and I wonder if I tell him off that someone else might tell me the same. I don't think I am too overweight, but I am not a model skinny either. Should I really lose weight to be able to have a boyfriend?

A: No! You should lose this man and learn to love yourself as you are.

The fact that you wrote this letter shows that you know you are far more important as a person than you are as a "body." Good!

But the fact that you wonder about this at all shows that you might sometimes think that you have to pretend to be under the control of some man and his perceptions of your worth. Wrong!

And by the way, although it doesn't apply to you, you should know that even people who are extremely overweight need to accept themselves as they are first, before even hoping to succeed at losing weight. Their self-hate makes them feel so bad that they eat to compensate.

Q:I am getting seriously depressed each year around the Holidays. This is a time when everyone is cheery and I don't know why at this time there is something always wrong with me. How do I overcome this?
A:There is more depression around the holidays than at any other time of the year, so it sure isn't true that "everyone is cheery." But if you are "seriously depressed" at any time of the year it is vitally important for you to call a therapist. Medication can also help. The recommendation of experts is for both therapy and medication.

Q: The woman I dated recently broke my heart. I truly thought she is the one but while on one hand I was looking for the engagement ring and was thinking of a good place to propose to her, she obviously was not on the same brain wave She just left me with no explanation. I am all shaken up as I didn't see this coming. Is there a way to see some signals not to be in this situation again?

A: There might have been some signals that you missed, of course, but I wasn't there so I don't know if there were such signals or if you missed them.

What matters now is whether you allow yourself to face and express your sadness thoroughly, so you can get past this. Anyone in this situation is very sad. Cry when you can. Get support from your friends. Allow an appropriate time to go by, depending on the length of the relationship you lost and the depth of your hopes about her.

When you are finished facing your sadness you will move on to find another. And, yes, there is the chance that this will happen again. But finding someone to love us is well worth the risk, so you will be out there again.

And if there is a next time, you will know that you can survive the pain. That will help you to get close, absorb the love she has for you, ask the appropriate questions about her feelings for you, read her signals as well as possible, etc.

Q: I am a little confused with the dating scene: How does one approach women (in a club) and ask her out?

A: I usually hate to talk about "techniques" or "lines" to use at such times, but I do have an idea for you that works very well.

When you meet someone you might be interested in, make what are called "I... you... now" statements, and notice how they react when you do it.

An "I... you... now" statement uses those three words, or implies them very clearly. It states a position on your part ("I"), says you are noticing the other person ("you"), and it refers to something in the very moment you are making the statement ("now").

Some examples which use all three words (or imply them) are:
"I like the way you tilt your head and look up at me."
"Nice shoes! Really bright!"
"You don't look happy right now."

Then notice how the other person responds. When people aren't really available emotionally they will back away, or respond in a way that feigns confusion. This is what usually happens. They are sending a signal that you are inviting more closeness than they want or can handle at the moment. When this happens, move on. Some examples:
"My neck hurts."
"I just grabbed a pair of shoes out of the closet."
"Well, I am happy!"

But when the other person responds with an "I... you... now" statement of their own, that's a good sign that they are available and they appreciate the invitation to be closer. For instance:
"Funny you noticed that. I have a kink in my neck tonight."
"Glad you like the shoes. I do too."
"Yeah, I'm feeling low today and I hoped you wouldn't notice."
When you get this kind of a response, you know the person is willing to share themselves with you.

What you and the other person say or do next is also important. If you stay real, and avoid playing any psychological games and you'll be taking your best shot.

Q's & A's