Q's & A's

IS ABUSE THE CHILD'S FAULT?

You might want to read "How Does Abuse Happen?" to understand parts of this letter. She's asking about a statement in that topic which says that the abused person of any age believes they are desperate, has given up their right to think, and believes they are powerless.

Q: What about young children that are sexually abused by a parent?

A: Those three things are very true for them, aren't they?:

1) The are desperate (totally dependent on the "big people").

2) They must give up their right to think (because they think adults know best, and are under their brainwashing control all of the time).

3) They are powerless against the adults.

For adults these three things are essentially choices... they Believe they are desperate, they Give Up their right to think, and they Believe they are powerless.

Even with adults, however, if they were trained in childhood to believe these awful things about themselves it can be very hard for them to believe otherwise. That's where therapy can come in.

Q: At an early age do children know they have options?

A: Not at all! (Even the ones who blame themselves because they were Brainwashed into thinking that they "like" what's going on, or that they were "bad" and they deserve the abuse, etc...)

I wonder: Were you sexually abused? Other abuse in childhood? Adult abuse? Were people you care about abused?

Q: Sorry for being such a pest about it. Just trying to get it clear in my own head.

A: Glad you read the topics closely.

Q: Sometimes I can be so dense.

A: You can think! [smiley face]

DEPRESSION: CHEMICAL IMBALANCE OR ENVIRONMENTAL?

Q: I have a friend who takes medication for Depression. Can depression really be attributed to chemical imbalance or life situations? I read your article about anger. Could repressed emotions trigger the imbalance? Thanks for any info.

A: First of all you should understand that all of this is theory, and very little of it is proven through rigorous science. Almost all of therapy is "art" rather than proven biological science.

But, yes, most therapists believe that depression is both chemical imbalance and environmental stress (suppressed anger about life situations). It is seldom clear whether the chemical imbalance causes the depression, or the depression causes the chemical imbalance.

What is clear, however, is that if we habitably tell ourselves we aren't angry when we actually are angry, we get depressed. And since our culture is phobic against anger, there are a lot of depressed people in the U.S. and other Western European cultures.

HOW DOES THERAPY END?

Q: How do I (or my therapist) know when I'm "done" with therapy? Can I ever be "done?" And, how does therapy "end," whether it's because we're "done" or because I'm moving and can't meet with this therapist any longer? Do I just not go back any more? Or is there some kind of ritual?

A: Excellent questions. Your therapist might disagree with me about these things, but, since you asked me, here are my own answers for each of your questions:

"How do I (or my therapist) know when I'm done? - I think you are done when you find that the time, energy, and money you spend on going to see the therapist just don't seem worth expending any more.

"Can I ever be done." - You can't ever be done with changes and improvements, but you can stop wanting this therapist (or any therapist) to help you accelerate your changes and improvements.

"How does therapy end... is there some kind of ritual." - Each therapist has their own way of ending therapy, usually based on their training. I want to be told one week and then to have one more appointment during which we evaluate the client's progress in a quite detailed way.

"Do I just not go back any more?" - That happens, but from a therapist's point of view it sucks! When we work hard for someone we care about, to have them just not show up feels like a slap in the face. I always assume they are angry at something I said during the last meeting. And I also assume they don't want me to call them to ask why they stopped either. So I'm left just wondering - unless I can remember the thing I said last time that they showed me they really didn't want me to be saying.

STILL ANGRY AT ALCOHOLIC EX

Q: I was with an active alcoholic for 7 years. I haven't had contact with him for a year. I loved him so much, but I never felt loved. I never really had his attention. I still feel angry. Is this unusual?

A: Not At All!! Who wouldn't be angry about someone loving "the bottle" more than they love you!? This is the dilemma for anyone involved with someone who is addicted to anything.

Just don't let your anger at him stop you from finding someone who can really love you now. When you feel the anger, see his face. And when you meet other men, be sure you know they aren't him.

LONG DISTANCE DESIRE

Q: We've been in a long distance relationship for 2 years, and been together for 2.5 years.

Today my fianc� told me today that he been thinking about other girls and he is curious about them. He is a very honest person and this issue is confusing him a lot.

A: He also sounds like he might be a bit "up tight" about women/sex/relationships, don't you think?

I think it's just natural that someone in a long distance relationship for two years would think about other women (or men) regularly.

He probably just needs to know that thinking about - or even wanting - sex with another woman does not mean that he would actually act on it. He also needs to know that you realize he is bound to think about others, and that if he does anything that would break any stated commitments between you and him he would be responsible for his choices. He couldn't just claim "the devil made him do it" or "human nature made me"...

No need to be confused about having normal sexual desires. And no need to worry that any thought creates any specific action.

Hope this helps him.

Wonder why he didn't write, instead of you writing for him...?

Hope you'll share this with him.

JUST ANOTHER SEXY DREAM

Q: Every night I have a different dream about my friend�s husband and I don�t understand why. Each dream seems more passionate then the other; and although I have no sexual thoughts in waking life, my dreams seem to suggest otherwise. I�m feeling guilty, please help, I want them to stop!

A: Stop believing your dream! It's only a dream.... and since it's a sexual dream, I guess you feel good while you have it. So what's the problem with feeling good while you are asleep?

One study says that men tend to have rather detailed sexual thoughts during the day about once every 25 minutes.... and women have them about once every hour. So my guess is that you are denying that you have sexual thoughts all day long, and this creates a conflict that you deal with in your dreams.

Try to notice all the sexual thoughts you have during each day... Don't fight them. Allow them.

And remember that thoughts are just thoughts, not actions. If you dream about sex with someone that does NOT mean that you will have sex with them, or even that you want to.

Just a dream..........

THERAPIST SAYS HE DISSOCIATES

Q: I enjoy reading the site and gave therapy a shot. I wasn't feeling connected/focused to the world and myself. My therapist said I have dissociation and need to be in the moment. We had two sessions together and since the strategy was simple I gave it a shot. However I still don't feel connected with myself nor the world and fear I will never feel comfort again. I can't go to therapy anymore (my budget is tight)... I feel as if God is my only hope at this moment. However I am in the process of building my faith and I don't know what to do... What do you say?

A: First of all, if you feel hopeful from your faith, by all means keep it up.

If the therapist was correct that you "dissociate" it is important for you to get good therapy. If you can't afford it, you can go to any Family Service Agency (most large cities) and tell them about it. They can help regardless of the money situation. If that doesn't work, contact your local Mental Health Association. (You can also read about this at my site: http://HelpYourselfTherapy.com/topics/considth.html )

I've learned through the years, however, that most people who say they can't afford therapy are really just too afraid to deal with a therapist right now, and once they really know they need help they make some changes in their priorities and they find that they can afford it. I'm not saying this is true for you, just that this is often the situation and you'd be wise to ask yourself IF it applies to you at all...

I am also a bit concerned about the therapist deciding that you dissociate based on just two meetings with you, although of course I wasn't there and I don't know what the two of you talked about. Don't be surprised that two sessions didn't help enough. Therapy is, unfortunately, a much longer process.

Don't think you "tried therapy" and that it "didn't work" for you. You didn't go long enough to find out what you can do for yourself through good therapy.

SHOULD SOMEONE IN AA TAKE AN ANTIDEPRESSANT?

Q: Recently having to finally come to grips with my depression, and being told by 3 therapists I would benefit by taking an antidepressant, I've chosen to take the medicine prescribed Being in the 12-step fellowships, I am in conflict with my clean time. Help.

A: Don't quite know what to say, except that if three therapists think it's a good idea that's certainly your best bet!

Nothing is perfect. AA's precepts aren't either. When we (therapists, or AA, or doctors, or anyone else who is trying to help someone) offer advice, it's the best advice we have, but it is, at best, imperfect. So don't think you have to obey AA, just like you know you don't have to obey the three therapists.

What you have to do is whatever you think is best for you. And when it comes to medication for depression you may have to experiment some: try one of them, tell the psychiatrist how it affects you, maybe get it modified (larger or smaller doses), try another medication, etc.... And with AA, it's the same. You try their advice to see how it fits for you, do a little more of some things and a little less of some other things, etc.

Remember that nobody knows you better than you, no matter how much training and experience they have at helping people.

FIANCÉ' "CHEATED"

Q: How do you deal in relationship, when your fianc� cheats in front of you in a party but cries out to you, that she love's you very much .I am hurt with anger. Her excuse was alcohol. By the way this has happened twice. Confused.

A: So much to consider here.

First of all, you are angry. Period. Anyone would be. But remember that anger is a Feeling in your body (like "happy" or even "hungry"). It's a physical sensation that you can do many different things with. You don't have to use your anger in any specific way, although of course you have to keep yourself and others safe no matter how you use it.

Secondly, this is a pattern of hers, an alcohol pattern. No matter how much she loves you, and no matter how much you love her, this problem of overusing alcohol, and then doing things, and then saying "the devil (alcohol) made me do it)" is a BIG one and it must be resolved before she can have a good relationship with anyone.

Again, you have every right to feel angry. I also want you to know that saying "she should just stop it" about the alcohol or the cheating is just too simplistic. Believe it or not, when she did those things it was somehow the best thing she could think of to do at that moment! So that shows that she has some really big problems... problems that I'm not sure I'd want to wait very long hoping she'd overcome.

I also wonder about your use of the word "cheats".... If she actually had sex with these people, that's one thing. But I wonder if she might have flirted or kissed or done something far less than having sex, and you interpreted this as "cheating" - and maybe she didn't see it so black and white.... Every couple works out their own understanding of what is cheating and what isn't, and neither person gets to dictate their own definition of these things. (An extremely insecure person might insist that even leaving the house and going to the grocery where there is an attractive person is "cheating"... and some people say they are happy to have an "open relationship" in which both parties are free to have sex with others... It is simply something you'll need to work out with her or with anyone you date.)

I noticed the word "fiancé'" too... and I'm sorry for you that you seem to have discovered these problems with your woman rather late in your dating relationship. But you have discovered them now, so make your decisions accordingly. You'd be very sad to lose her, and you'd also be very sad for a longer time if you kept her and she really did keep cheating on you.

LOST RELATIONSHIP AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
(... wonder if this is from the same person as above...)

Q: I split up with my girlfriend a while back and she seems to be sleeping her way through my mates as best she can. Should this make me feel as bad as I do? I suffered from depression earlier in my life and have started having recurring thoughts of taking my life again.

A: What's going on with your former girlfriend is making you very angry. Suicidal thinking comes from trying to decide what to do with big anger.

If you aren't in therapy, call a therapist immediately. This isn't about the relationship. It's about the most important thing in the world, your life! You are immensely more important than your relationship!

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