EVERYONE:
Personal
Growth Topics

TONY'S BASICS:
A Guide
to Feelings

COUPLES:
Analyze Your
Relationship

CALLS HERSELF A SOCIOPATH

Q: I am a diagnosed primary sociopath. I am very impulsive too. I am an alcoholic as well.. although I quit drinking. What can I do to help my self? I always fear I will lose control.

A: What you can do to help yourself: First of all, be proud that you've stopped drinking! And know that your fears that you could go back to drinking are normal and to be expected. People who never drink again have them, and people who go back to drinking also have them. (Read "Quitting Addictions" at my site for some good ideas. )

If the sociopath diagnosis is correct (and it may not be), you will definitely need to learn to trust a good therapist. And your therapy will probably start by you not trusting the therapist very much at all. You will feel a need to "test" them in various ways, etc. If you find a good therapist, they will be OK with all the testing you need to do, they will teach you about their boundaries and especially about your right to have your own good, safe boundaries. And your long relationship with them will be the main way you improve your life. (Some therapists aren't good with people who have this diagnosis, so you also may need to shop around for a while before you find someone who doesn't seem either "too easy" or "too hard" for you to deal with.)

About your fear of "losing control." You'll eventually learn that you have never truly "lost control" - and that the things you did in your life that you think show you that you've lost control were actually the Best things you could even think of doing at the time you did them. - You'll learn that you always have had control of the things you do, and that you've never had any control of the things anyone else did. That's just how life is: we control ourselves 100% of the time and we never control anyone else.

TIRED FROM WORK STRESS

Q: I'm very tired and stressed from work, what types of therapy do you suggest?

A: Your question is so vague... but I'd suggest that first you need a good physical checkup to see if there is a medical cause for your tired feeling.

Then, if that checks out OK, talk with friends and family (anyone you trust who cares about you) about your stress at work. If they think anyone would feel this much stress at this job, it's time to start looking for a new job. If the people you trust tend to think that it's not so much the work itself as it is your way of viewing the work (as if it is desperately important that you please your boss 100% at all times, for instance...) OR if you know that you have always had a problem related to requiring too much of yourself (perfectionism or fearfulness) OR problems related to depression, then call a good therapist to talk it over with them.

EVERYTHING BUT CONTENTMENT

Q: I believe I have most everything I want and live a good life, but am unable to ever feel contentment (stop and smell the roses). I believe I amplify stressful situations to have a self-purpose. I am afraid that I am not enjoying the things under my nose and one day I will regret not seizing these opportunities. Advice?

A: I'll take your letter bit by bit....

"Unable to feel contentment" -- What do you think contentment would feel like if you had it? Being content is, for all of us, an excellent although temporary situation. After we get something we want, we naturally move on - within hours or days - to the next thing we want. Seems you need to be OK with knowing that you'll never have "everything" and that although things are good there are still other things you want.

"Amplify stressful situations to have a self-purpose" -- Sounds like you believe in scaring yourself! If that's true, ask yourself where you got the idea that being scared was good for you! If you don't think it's true that you scare yourself, then my next guess would be that you - like many men - confuse being scared with being excited. Look for some excitement in life and notice that you Enjoy it... and that it's not scary at all.

"Will regret not seizing these opportunities" -- There are always opportunities, and we miss many of them. Look at what you've got instead of what you could have. All your life you will know that you could have had more. That's the human condition, so it's not going to go away. Your task then becomes learning to enjoy the opportunities you've already taken advantage of, and a few of the ones that are going to keep coming your way in the future.

You might learn more by going to this page at my site: http://HelpYourselfTherapy.com/Y_scared.html

HE NEGLECTS HER

Q: About "Getting Enough Attention" - "How To Get And Use Positive Attention Just For Being", you list four ways:
1. Choose people who are good at giving it. (Understood)
2. Know You Want it.
3. Go for It.
4. Take the Time to Absorb It.

Could you elaborate please? I don't understand how this would give me attention from my neglecting husband.

A: Since you say you only understand #1 and you don't understand the rest, it seems to me that you must be very passive about actually doing things that invite your husband to give you more attention. The amount of attention I receive is 95% related to what I *DO* to get it. And to do effective things to get attention I need to:

2) Know WHEN I want it. (The actual moments... without just waiting for it in general and them complaining that it never comes...)

3) Take ACTION when I want it. (In the actual moments, again.)

Put your face right in front of his. Give him a loving rub. Whatever it takes to get his attention.

If things are really bad, go for negative attention instead of positive. Do something he doesn't like! (Then afterwards you can say "I did that on purpose. I also did all these other things today to get your positive attention [list them], but they didn't work. So can we talk about why they didn't work so I don't have to resort to nasty stuff like this again? [We all need attention so much that we subconsciously do things to get negative attention when we would prefer positive attention. This suggestion then is to make this subconscious phenomenon a conscious choice - and a way to point out this natural phenomenon for both of you to discuss in a healthy way.]

4) After you get it, remember if and recycle it in your mind while noticing how good it feels. (It will feel 90% as good a few minutes after the attention, and maybe only 10% as good in a few days. But even the smaller amounts can add up, since we all get attention many times a day.)

WIFE IS LESS ATTRACTIVE

Q: I've been married 17 years and have a good relationship, but my wife just doesn't seem attractive to me any more. Fantasy enables me to get in the mood, and we have sex 2 or 3 times a week. Is there a way I can change the way I view my wife?

A: First of all, I'm not sure this is a problem. Fantasy is a good part of sex. There's nothing wrong with enjoying your fantasies along with reality during sex.

Some other things to think about:

1) You've been with her for 17 years. She may still look good to you, but there aren't many surprises - and surprises are part of excitement. So you'll need to come up with some surprises when you are with her, and invite her to do the same.

2) If you are feeding your fantasies too much, for instance through porn, that might be making them to be too strong when you are with her. Fantasies can be perfect. Real people can't.

3) If your wife's body has changed and that's part of your problem, you need to face that this is going to keep happening. Both of you will look a lot different in another 17 years, and in another 17 after that. Because of this, we all need to appreciate the person in the body more than just the body, and we need to focus more attention on what we actually do together sexually than on the visual stimuli alone.

4) There's a tradeoff that occurs when couples have been together for a while. There is a little less excitement but there is a lot more joy. More of the fun is of the "close and happy" type and a little less of it is of the "wild and crazy" kind.

Experiment! Give her a playful warning that you are going to be more adventurous, and then keep your word!

Have Fun!

IS HE ADDICTED TO PORN?

Q: We've been together five years, lived together half that time. We have a loving, happy relationship. Recently, I discovered via the computer that he's fascinated by hard-core pornography, lots of it. When confronted, he said I have no right to be upset, though he's aware it offends me; he insisted I let it go.

He's still spending hours looking at this and I'm disgusted. It's becoming a real problem for me. I'm a sexual person and we usually have a good sex life. Lately, however, I feel I'm not going to be able to satisfy his urges because I'm unwilling to do what really turns him on.

I've tried to discuss how degrading and controlling this seems to me but he's not willing to give it up. I know many people think it's harmless but it's making me question whether I'm willing to continue a relationship with someone who can disregard my feelings so easily.

A: There is one problem here for sure - the "power play" between you and him. You are trying to control his behavior and you are frustrated that you can't. He's trying to control your behavior (at least by wanting you to stop being bothered by this), and he is frustrated that he can't. The only solution to this problem is to acknowledge that he controls himself 100% and you control yourself 100%.

There's also another problem, about what you do together sexually. He has a right to ask, directly, for whatever he wants sexually. And you have a right to say "yes," or "no," or, more likely, "I'll do this part but I won't do that part."

And there's the possibility of another problem: If he wants any real person (you!) to be a "perfect fantasy," then he is going to be frustrated. Fantasies can be perfect. People can't. If he is so addicted to the porn that he is essentially insisting that you match his perfect image, he isn't going to be satisfied with you or with any real person.

I suggest you say what you like and don't like, and do what you like and don't do what you don't like. And that you stop trying to control his behavior. I know you will be worried about what effect his porn will have on your relationship, and I know you'll be worried about whether he'll be satisfied with the real "not perfect" you. But this is the situation he created and that he must resolve. If he chooses fantasy over reality, the earlier you learn this about him the better.

But give all of this some time. If he has strong desires for the porn and also has strong desires for you, he will need to go through a withdrawal period before he makes the only reasonable choice he has - reality! That can take months, and it will probably include some setbacks along the way.

Of course, marriage counseling would be wise before, during, or after the withdrawal period.

JEALOUS EX CAUSING TROUBLE

Q: I am married and have children with my partner. We have a wonderful relationship - no complaints about that. The problem is his ex-girlfriend. We love to go dancing and when we happen to see her at clubs she is always trying to start problems. She has also tried to get between us and our mutual friends. I feel like I'm choking. I don't understand why she feels the need to create problematic situations when there is no need, and on top of it all - this makes me feel like I'm 12 years old.

What should I do, if anything ?

A: By saying "if anything" you seem to be saying that maybe it's best if you do nothing at all about it. I sort of agree.

You've got him. She doesn't. And she doesn't have to like it.

It would be good if she treated you and your husband better, but she is who she is, he chose you, and the party is essentially over for her. I think that the more she can tell that her behavior bothers you, the more she reinforcement she gets for it.

I'm sure you've told your husband how you feel about it. Let him handle it. And remember: You've got him. You won. She's just trying to score some imaginary "points." And if you and he don't acknowledge that there are such "points," then there aren't!

DEPRESSED AND OWNED?

Q:I am paralyzed by my inability to follow my dreams. I suffer from great emotional resistance & inertia. I am 27 and blessed with many qualities yet I choose to seek comfort behind my family's wealth. How can I break through the walls that trap me?

A:This sounds like rather severe depression. Depression is sometimes referred to as "the blahs," because we feel low energy and motivation when we are depressed.

Also, since depression is a cover for anger, I wonder if you might be angry about feeling "owned" by your wealthy family - even though they let you "seek comfort behind them." When we are dependent we think we need the people we depend on, so in that sense we are kind of glad they are there - but we can also be angry at them for being having so much control over us.

You don't mention therapy or medication of any kind. I suggest you contact a good psychiatrist to discuss medication, and also find a good psychotherapist to help you overcome what is behind your depression.

WEAK ON THE INSIDE

Q: Hi. I was hurt when I was kid, I don't really like to say the words. I wrote it down and let my therapist read it (which I never had any intention of doing and I'm not quite certain if it was a good thing or a bad thing) but anyway, she is very kind.

A: I'm so glad you told her. And I'm glad you are reading the information at my site about abuse also. Guess I'm just glad you are working on your healing instead of running from it as so many do.... And I'm SO sorry such awful things happened to you!

Q: I guess my question is will it ever get easier to talk about it and what he did to me.

A: It will definitely get easier (though still difficult) to talk about each event that you need to remember.

You only need to remember the events which are interfering with your adult life. Your psyche will bring these memories to the surface whenever you are with the therapist, now that you trust her enough. It's like the little girl inside of you is saying: "I'm glad you finally are strong enough with this therapist to help me!," and she sends you the information you need to help her now. Cause right now I just can't talk about it at all.

Q: I feel really ashamed.

A: You did nothing wrong! Everything the abuser did was wrong!

Q: I'm in the military and proud and strong on the outside but still feel like a terrified 7 year old on the inside.

A: We are all weak on the inside. But those of us who experienced abuse at a young age tend to be more afraid to show how weak we feel sometimes, because we were trained to think we'd be taken advantage of if we show weakness. Now you have someone, your therapist, who knows you are just like her - weak on the inside. And she can help. Please fight off any temptations to run away from the memories. The little girl needs you and the therapist, and you need her to have a good life as an adult.

PARENTS WANT HER TO MARRY

Q: My parents expect me to marry and have children, but I don�t have any desire for either. They tell me I will be a spinster and that I will find out what a big mistake I made later when I will not be able to correct it. Are they right?

A: First of all you have to decide if you are going to be living for your pleasure or for your parents. These are huge decisions that will have major impact on your happiness. If you do what they want, and that's not what you want, you will be unhappy - and so will your husband and children!

But I'm also concerned that you have NO desire to marry or have children. I don't know your age, but if you are under 25 I just think you might change your mind.

But if you are older than that, and you have never had any desire to have a partner, and you have no maternal instincts at all, I think you might have a problem related to "fear of being close."

If you think you fear closeness and try not to share your deeper feelings with anyone, check out therapy. You could end up lonely regardless of what you decide about marriage and children.

If you don't fear closeness, enjoy your freedom and know that your life is yours, not your parents. Also, notice any maternal instincts you do have. You have them, although they might not be strong enough to have children. But it's a biological thing for all of us to have some degree of these feelings, even if we only use them with pets and plants.

DOESN'T TRUST HIMSELF?

One could call me a �player�. I have many casual relationships and many guys are envious of my conquests, so I almost feel I need to keep it up with it and pretend. I crave a relationship with a nice, innocent girl, but I don�t feel that I can reciprocate the same or be able to be faithful. This craving might only be a stage; I don�t want to hurt anyone. Do you think I should stay away from serious relationships and if not, how do I decide which one is serious?

There's a remarkable lack of self-knowledge in this letter. You don't seem to know if you want what you are doing, or if you want to settle down, or if you can trust yourself about fidelity now, if you can trust yourself about fidelity later, if you want to please they guys, or you want to please yourself, etc. (All of this in just a few sentences!)

My guess is that you don't trust yourself much, about most things. If that's true, you need a close relationship with someone who acts like a "parent" when they are with you. And they must be a very safe person who trusts you and believes in you. This is by far the best way to develop trust in yourself - by being around others who do trust you and who sort of teach you how to do it.

Of course I think of a therapist in this role for you, but there are other relationships like this. For instance, a "mentor" in any activity that takes a long time to learn might be enough.

Another major factor about trusting yourself is addiction. If you are addicted to drugs or alcohol, you will also be sort of "stunted" in your emotional development and you may keep feeling like a teenager until you overcome the addiction.

If you are a teenager or a very young adult, take what I've said here more lightly. Time will help some.

But the older you are the more seriously you should consider what I've said here.

"SOMETHING" HAPPENED

Q: Hello. I have been overwhelmed with worry about an event which happened five years ago. The worry has led to a need to be perfect, a jealousy of people who had chances I didn't have, and an extremely low self-esteem. I just want to let go of the past! Thank you.

A: I'm kinda stumped about what to say because I don't know the nature of the event.

If it was a traumatic event that happened to you or someone you love and you have flashbacks of the moment it happened, that's something for in-person therapy.

If it was a traumatic event but there are no signs of flashbacks, you need to clearly and directly face the whole thing and then notice that it fades away after that. Running from it by trying not to remember it won't work. And you may need a therapist for this as well.

If it's something you did that you later wished you didn't do but which, at the time, seemed wise, you need to face that bad stuff happens even when we have good intentions. The support of the close people in your life might be enough but, again, a therapist could also help.

If it's something that you did to purposely hurt someone else, and if you hurt them rather seriously (not just slight hurt feelings), you need to get off your own back about it, and apologizing to the other person would help (whether they accept it or not).

If it's something you did that hurt someone slightly, you should see a therapist. You don't need to pick on yourself for being human!

And I'm aware I haven't covered all of the possibilities....

Hope this helps though!

More Letters

Please Tell Your Friends About This Site.

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

Tony Schirtzinger, Therapist (Milwaukee, WI) 

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