EVERYONE:
Personal
Growth Topics

TONY'S BASICS:
A Guide
to Feelings

COUPLES:
Analyze Your
Relationship

WHY WE WANT COMMITMENTS

We want commitments from each other
to know where we are going,
and to feel some sense of reliability and constancy in our lives.
Lovers also want commitments because of their love.
They want to reliably know that they won't lose
the person with whom they share so much of themselves,
and from whom they receive so much.

WHO WE CHOOSE

A commitment is worthless unless it is from
someone who can be counted on to keep their word.
Two kinds of people cannot be counted on to keep their commitments:
"cons", and "learners".
And alcoholics form a special third category.

About Cons...
Cons are people who can be counted on only to keep breaking their word!
They will essentially promise anything,
and decide later if they feel like keeping their promise.
Some cons are so good at deceiving that they can fool anyone about anything,
but most cons are not so clever.
The best way to try to "spot" a con is to simply to
keep track of whether they keep their word or not
- not just on the big things, but particularly on the little things.
If you find that your partner breaks their word about 50% of the time
(about when they will see you, when they will call you, what they will do this weekend, etc.)
you are involved with a con.

Don't bother to ask them for their commitment.
If you stay with them, don't expect anything.

About Learners...
"Learners" are far more numerous.
Basically, they are like all the rest of us:
They are honest and trustable about everything
except the things that they lie to themselves about!
The question, therefore, is whether they are lying to themselves
about their commitment to you.
Listen closely to your partner
as they discuss the things that they feel insecure about.
If all of these things fall into a pattern
that shows they are insecure about themselves in relationships,
realize that they are in a learning process about relationships
and that neither of you can be sure where that learning will take them.
Stay with this person if you love them,
if you enjoy them,
and if they treat you well.
Make your own "one-sided" commitments to them, if necessary.
And don't pressure them to commit to you.
But set a real deadline and keep to it.
Ask yourself: "How long am I willing to wait for this person to make up their mind?"
Don't hang on longer than that.

About Alcoholics (and other chemical addicts)...

Alcoholics are a special type of "learners" (if they are not also "cons").
They lie to themselves about their addiction,
and their addiction influences every aspect of their lives.
Their addiction will probably remain more important to them than you are for a long time.
Even the process of quitting will take most of their available time and energy.

OUT LOUD AND FACE-TO-FACE

The most amazing thing about working with couples
is learning that most of them don't even discuss their commitments.
Most people just "assume" that their partner is committed
- without even talking about it.
(This is not a good idea!)

Sit down with your partner,
look them straight in the eye,
and tell them where you stand about your own commitments to them.
Then ask them to do the same.

COMMITMENTS ABOUT WHAT?

You could want a commitment from your partner about anything at all.
Just ask yourself:
"What do I want to feel sure about?"
Then make a list of the commitments you want to request.

The most common ones, of course, are:
whether you will date others,
whether you will be exclusive sexually,
whether you will stay together and for how long,
whether you will marry,
and whether you want children.

In addition to these, however, you would probably also want a commitment
about anything that you think you would need to be happy!
If your lover spends too much time on the job you might want a commitment
to a certain number of hours together each week.
If you think you could never be happy with a blonde,
you might need a commitment that they'd never dye their hair that color!

One caution, however.
Controlling people are so scared that they feel they need to control everything.
If you find yourself never satisfied with the commitments your partner has made to you,
and if your list of desired commitments keeps getting longer,
you are probably in this category.
You may need to get some help so you can get over being so scared.
(Your need to control is stronger than your commitment to your partner.
This is what you lie to yourself about,
and what makes your commitments less valuable for them.)

WHEN COMMITMENTS ARE BROKEN

If your partner breaks their commitment,
don't blame yourself or call yourself "a fool".
You did nothing wrong by trusting them.
They wronged you by breaking their word.

Also, I don't believe much in "second chances."
If your partner is unfaithful in a major way
it is very much more likely that they will be unfaithful again in that same way.

If you do decide to give them a "second chance,"
ask yourself: "When will I trust them again?"
Set a time limit in years
and don't expect to trust them again in this part of your relationship
until that time has passed without more broken promises.

Your distrust of them is reasonable,
and only a long history of kept promises can change that.

Please Tell Your Friends About This Site.

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

Tony Schirtzinger, Therapist (Milwaukee, WI) 

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