EVERYONE:
Personal
Growth Topics

TONY'S BASICS:
A Guide
to Feelings

COUPLES:
Analyze Your
Relationship

Most people come to therapy with a horrible idea about who they are.

"I'm just a failure."
"I'm unlovable."
"I guess I'm just genetically depressed."
"I'm a scared person."

A lot of time and energy in any therapist's office
is devoted to changing
such horrible self-definitions.

DEVELOPING AN IDENTITY

Children learn that they are separate human beings as toddlers.
It's so scary for them that it takes most of a year to get over it.

After that, each child discovers there are major advantages to being separate.
What pleases them most is that they can say "No."
(And they say it a lot!)

Being able to say "yes" and "no" gives the child
"personal identity" or sense of self.

"I'm the one who won't eat spinach"
evolves into
"I know who I am."

"I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY"

Before reading further, ask yourself how you'd complete this sentence:
"I've always been a _______ person."

Think of words like happy, generous, sad, successful, serious, angry, etc.
Think of other adjectives on your own
and pick the one that seems to fit you best of all.

The word you pick is a major part of your identity.

AFTER YOUR CHANGES

People in good, long-term therapy often make
such big changes in how they live their lives
that their old identity has nothing to do with current reality.

But even with all the evidence that they have changed so radically,
they still have a hard time changing their basic idea of who they are.

It's as if they say:
"I'm O.K. now, but I'm still a _______ person."

The discomfort of giving up an old identity makes us fight hard to maintain it.
All our changes can seem irrelevant when compared to
all those years of habitually telling ourselves
who we are.

We are psychologically addicted to our old identity.
And when it comes to addictions we need to
trust what we know to be true
instead of our habits.

SO�

If you always thought you were depressed
but you haven't felt that way for a year or more,
don't believe "I am a depressed person."

If you've always thought of yourself as shy or scared
but you haven't been hiding for a year or more,
don't believe "I am a scared person."

If you've always been short-tempered
but you haven't been that way for a year or more,
don't believe "I am a mean person."

If you've been addicted to some substance
but you haven't abused for a year or more,
don't believe "I am an addict."

If you've thought of yourself as unlovable
but you have been loved for a year or more,
don't believe "I am an unlovable person."

If you've been unsuccessful in your work
but you've been doing well for a year or more,
don't believe "I am a failure."

YOUR OWN IDENTITY

Go back to that word you chose above about who you've "always been."

If it's a positive word
and it fits with how you've been lately,
keep believing it!

If it's a negative word
and it fits with how you've been lately,
give your therapist a call.

If it's a negative word
and it doesn't fit with how you've been in the last year or so,
have a party!
Celebrate throwing that word - and maybe even that "you" - away!

YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE, NOT WHO YOU USED TO BE.

Please Tell Your Friends About This Site.

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

Tony Schirtzinger, Therapist (Milwaukee, WI) 

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