EVERYONE:
Personal
Growth Topics

TONY'S BASICS:
A Guide
to Feelings

COUPLES:
Analyze Your
Relationship

Medication and therapy aren't worth a dime
unless they lead to real changes
in the way you live your life.

Medication can give you more energy
and therapy can improve both your energy and your problem-solving ability.
But it's the actual changes you make in your lifestyle,
not the pills or the therapy,
that make all the difference.

This topic lists the practical, concrete lifestyle changes that can help most.

IF YOU THINK YOU ARE UNHAPPY DUE TO STRESS

Don't believe that "stress" is making you feel bad.

Stress is just a general term we use
when we don't know what the real problems are.

And the real problems are always about
how we spend our time and energy
and how we get along with the people in our lives.

IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY ABOUT YOUR LOVE RELATIONSHIP

Spend more time in the same room with your partner.

Touch each other, non-sexually and sexually.
Make touch a guarantee, not a hope.

Keep an eye on the amount of time
you want to spend close to your partner
and how much you want to spend away from them.
Make concrete changes in how you allocate your time.

Play joyfully together.

Think clearly together.

Take care of each other
only when you want to
and when you've been asked.
Expect resentment otherwise.

Make solid agreements
about who does what around the house.
Stick to them.
Renegotiate when needed.

IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY ABOUT YOUR SOCIAL LIFE

Have one!
Get out of your house or apartment
and see what happens.

Say hello to everyone you meet to see if a conversation will evolve.
If you get brushed off, move on to the next person.
(It's their loss!)

The best place to meet people
is where other people with your interests gather.
You always have the shared interest to talk about.

Think about all the places where lots of people gather.
Consider churches, active entertainment events
(skating, bowling, skiing, dancing, etc.),
and social clubs for people in your marital or age group.
If there is only a five-percent chance that you will like it, try it!
When you are lonely, nothing sounds good.
When you are with people
you usually enjoy yourself
much more than you thought you would.
The worst that can happen is that
you'll waste a few hours away from home
instead of wasting them at home.

Notice how people treat you.
Think of each time you go out
as a trial-and-error experiment
to learn how to invite
better and better treatment from others.

Improve how you talk to yourself after you've gone out,
how you reward yourself for going,
and how you explain to yourself
why things went the way they did.

IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY ABOUT MONEY

If you know other people who are happy
with the same income you have,
money isn't the problem.
Your standards are the problem.
Let these people teach you
how you can be happy with less.

If income is a problem,
will your education and experience
get you the income you want?
If not, find enjoyable ways
to increase your education and gather the experience.
(Don't say "I can't" unless it is a physical impossibility.)

Spending is usually a problem.
Learn where the money actually goes
and take full responsibility
for every nonessential item you buy.
Look at your purchases and rank them
according to the degree to which you enjoy them each day.
Look at everything from the place you live to the toilet paper you buy!
If you pay too much for housing,
consider moving to a less expensive home.
If you spend a couple bucks every day at "Starbucks" or similar places,
ask yourself if you'd be happier with cheaper coffee
and sixty more bucks in your pocket each month.
Everything you don't absolutely need
is worth reconsidering.

IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY ABOUT TIME AND ENERGY

If you have a physical problem that limits your time and energy,
get the best medical care you can.

� If your work is taking too much time and energy,
consider what would really happen
if you worked less hours,
took less work home,
and pleased the boss less.
We have all been programmed to fear such things,
and most of these fears are groundless.
Even people who work less hours,
take less work home,
and displease the boss more
usually keep their jobs.
(You probably know some of these people
who make much more than you do
and even some who got promoted over you!)

If your household is taking too much of your time and energy,
consider whether you can get more help
and whether you can lower your standards.
Remember that the bottom line in housekeeping
is not whether your parents or your friends would give you a gold star.
It's whether the house is healthy
and whether you are spending your time and energy wisely.
If you can afford to hire help, do it.
If you need more help from your partner or your older children, ask for it!
And if they refuse,
stop doing the work they care most about
so they'll have to do it themselves.

IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN

Don't hit them and don't threaten to hit them.
Such things may bring quick and temporary results,
but they set up long-lasting rebellion
and create many more problems than they solve.

If you say you'll do something, do it.
The clarity and trust in your relationship
is much more important than what's going on today.
If you must break your word occasionally,
apologize at the first opportunity.
If you forget very often,
expect your children
to "forget" their responsibilities too.

Your primary job is to keep your children safe from physical harm.

Once they are safe,
your remaining job is to provide them with love and support.

Play with your children.
Show them you aren't a work robot.
You are a person who can be enjoyed.

Don't worry about the mistakes your kids make.
Making mistakes is their job!
They are supposed to learn through trial and error.
If they could stop making mistakes they'd stop growing.

Don't expect them to take care of you.
It's your job to take care of them,
not the other way around.
Get your caring from other adults.

Notice that you need still the same things children need:
safety, warmth, trust, joy, and the freedom to learn.

I sincerely wish you all of these!

Please Tell Your Friends About This Site.

Enjoy Your Changes!

Everything here is designed to help you do just that!

Tony Schirtzinger, Therapist (Milwaukee, WI) 

Return to Home   Return to Top

HelpYourselfTherapy Home